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Apologies in advance if you find this offensive. I do believe there is value in forecasting…
1. What do you get if you play a supply chain country song backwards? You get your revenue back, you get your margin back, you get your on-time deliver back…
2. How many supply chain planners does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulbs are late.
3. What’s the difference between big foot and an accurate forecast? Big foot has been sighted.
4. Why is it better to have a woman as the buyer? Because a male buyer will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
5. Why is it better to have a man as the buyer? Because a female buyer will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t need but is on sale.
6. The easiest way to find that missing inventory is to place a new PO.
7. Demand forecasters are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
8. Employer: “For this buyer’s job, we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. In my last procurement job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible.”
9. If you’re a supplier and you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of delivery dates.
10. There are two theories to getting an accurate forecast. Neither one works.
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Taxi Blonde
After traveling a few blocks, a blonde realizes she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said. The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the very next street, park, get in the back seat and take off your bra." "You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth six dollars."
Psych Visit
A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.
Two Catholic Priests
Two priest's were taking a **** in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's *****. He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!
Brand Names
Q: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant
A: Burger King forgot 2 wrap his wrapper
Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
One cup and you're up all night.
Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viagra
It may cause them to spin around and point north.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars?
You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Q: Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A: Because its finger licking good!
Q: What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
A: Diana can't stop either.
Q: Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
A: Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.
Q: What does BMW stand for?
A1: Bought My Wife!
A2: Born Moderately Wealthy
A3: Bavarian Murder Weapons
Q: What's the new Apple mp3 player that you use only when you are in the bathroom?
A: It is called the "iPOTTY"
Q: What smells worse than a Japanese 7-11?
A: Nothing!
Q: How is the trans-fat free Starbucks better than before?
A: There new trans-fat free Frappacino will pad your *** without clogging your arteries!
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ****
Now his two front teeth are missing.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
and did it in the water
Jack slipped
His condom ripped
and they ended up having a daughter
A man walks into a sex shop to buy a sex doll, The sales man asks "Normal or Muslim?" The man replies "Whats the difference?" The salesman says "The muslim one blows its self up"
A daughter asked her mother how to spell *****, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"
Q: What does a boyfriend and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus?
A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring! Dirty Joke Generator:
Smart Midget
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest ***** I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's *****, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the **** out of their dogs!
Give Me One
This guy is married and his wife knows he is a bit of a cranky pants.
They go out together on a night out. They go to the restaurant and order a nice meal. Midway through he calls the waiter and says, "Is there any such thing as a decent glass of wine to go with this dinner, if so give me one."
Then they go to a pub where he calls to the barman, "Is there any such thing as pints of beer here, if so give me one."
On the way home they stop at a takeaway where he says, "Is there any such thing as a burger here, if so give me one."
They go home and then go to bed and the man says "Is there any such thing as sex here?" His wife says, "It depends."
The man says, "What do you mean by that?" and his wife responds, "Is there any such thing as an orgasm here, if so give me one."
How did the American's finally find Osama Bin Laden? The Americans heard he was hiding in a field. So they sprayed it with VIAGRA and the ***** stood up!
Flasher
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
Union Worker
A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal. He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and declines the madam’s offer to enter the premises.
He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question. Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house.
This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big **** and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there." I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Womens Bathroom
This guy was on a plane and he really had to pee. He went to the back of the plane and there was a line for the men's room. So, he asked a female to see if there was anyone in the ladies room. She responded no, go ahead in there but don't press any of the buttons. He said alright. he went to the bathroom, relieved. He saw the buttons and decided to push them anyway thinking "what could go wrong?" The first button he pushed was blue, he goes bbrrrrrr, that's cold having cold water spray into his *** hole.
The second button was red and he goes "oh that feels really good. How come there aren't any buttons like these in the men's room?" The last button he pushed was a white button with the letters ATR on it. The next thing he knew he woke up in a hospital.
He asked the nurse "why am I in the hospital?" she responded "because u hit the ATR button" laughing hysterically while she said it. He said "what's so funny? what does ATR mean?" She responded automatic tampon remover.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!".
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe’s Chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to…a white child!
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white kid.”
:fla g:
Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY ? YOU ASK
1 STORMY IS A HOOKER.
2. O. J. IS A SLICER.
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, and
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
MY OLD FLAME
This morning I received a phone call from gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called ‘out of the blue’ to see if I was sill around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that ‘old magic’.
I was totally flabbergasted. “ I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now,” I said, “I’m a bit older and grayer, heavier and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus,I really don't have the energy I used to have.”
She just giggled and and said she was sure I’d ‘rise to the challenge’.
“Yeah,” I said. “Just as long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline 6 inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone….stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowels like a Great Dane.”
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She actually teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute and she was sure that I’d still be a great lover.
Then she giggled, and said, “I’ve put on a little bit of weight myself!”
So I told her to **** off.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
First Patrol Shift.....
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Fear of alligators ....
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
'
Fat free....
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
The Playground
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Simon Says?
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion.
“That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.
A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”
Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.
“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, Don't mind us; as you can see, we're
joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Tim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
Been on vacation yet, boys?, the barkeep asks.
Off to England next month, says John.
We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Tim?
Tim agrees.
Ah, England . . . says the bartender. What wonderful country . . . the
history, the beer, the culture.
Nah, we don't like all that British stuff, says John.
Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Tim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.
The bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ???
John replies, It's the only chance Tim gets to drive.
(I didn't see that coming . . . did you ???)
Siamese twins
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, Don't mind us; as you can see, we're
joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Tim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
Been on vacation yet, boys?, the barkeep asks.
Off to England next month, says John.
We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Tim?
Tim agrees.
Ah, England . . . says the bartender. What wonderful country . . . the
history, the beer, the culture.
Nah, we don't like all that British stuff, says John.
Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Tim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.
The bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ???
John replies, It's the only chance Tim gets to drive.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Originally Posted by plaidside
Siamese twins
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, Don't mind us; as you can see, we're
joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Tim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
Been on vacation yet, boys?, the barkeep asks.
Off to England next month, says John.
We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Tim?
Tim agrees.
Ah, England . . . says the bartender. What wonderful country . . . the
history, the beer, the culture.
Nah, we don't like all that British stuff, says John.
Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Tim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.
The bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ???
John replies, It's the only chance Tim gets to drive.
(I didn't see that coming . . . did you ???)
Siamese twins
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, Don't mind us; as you can see, we're
joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Tim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
Been on vacation yet, boys?, the barkeep asks.
Off to England next month, says John.
We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Tim?
Tim agrees.
Ah, England . . . says the bartender. What wonderful country . . . the
history, the beer, the culture.
Nah, we don't like all that British stuff, says John.
Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Tim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.
The bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ???
John replies, It's the only chance Tim gets to drive.
(I didn't see that coming . . . did you ???)
What's up Joeseph?......I'm seeing/and reading double in that one.
04-26-2018, 10:37 PM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES APR 27th, May Flowers? (@Y@)
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