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(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) August 17th weekend, 2018
Hey all, my turn to open........ Good Evening, Good Morning to all......
Still the usual Hot, wet and fires going on in US/ Can...
Thanks to all who are now posting. Last few weeks have been great
.... if ya got some - share them.
so, let's kick it off with the usual GIFs from our friend..............
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A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'
Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.
It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.
"I was a carpenter", the man replies.
"Did you have any family", Jesus asks
"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."
Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice "dad?"
The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?
Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth. Husband: What trick? Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.
I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug... but Steve Jobs beat me to it.
It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for ********.
How did your interview go yesterday?
- Well, I entered the office and found the interviewer sitting on a large black leather chair. He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to go outside with it and then come back and try to sell it. He thought himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street.
- So what did you do?
- Well, obviously I obliged. I took the laptop and left the room.
- Then what?
- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up. Begging me to return it cause all his important documents were in it. So I asked him: will you buy it?
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can’t run
Round up.
A farmer was out in the field with his cows, he counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
A Drill Sergeant walks into a ***** House and asks for a companion for the evening and a lady joins him upstairs in a room.
She starts getting undressed and he decides to show her a trick. The Drill Sergeant says, "Wait, watch this, I wanna show you a trick."
He takes off his uniform and hangs it up then says in his most commanding voice, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock.
The ***** claps and gets excited, asking, "Ooh! Can you do it the other way, too?"
"Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again. She claps and says, no way, I totally don't believe it. Do it again.
So he does it again, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and he's hard as a rock again.
She's excited at this point, clapping again. He takes a step toward her, to get down to business, and she stops him. "No, no, make it soft again, that's a neat trick!"
He looks at her a little weird, but does it: "Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again.
She claps again like it's the coolest thing she's ever seen. She tells him, "Wait right here, I'll be right back." and leaves the room.
A couple of minutes later, she returns with about 9 of her scantily clad friends, some completely naked, some partially clothed in negligee's and others just in a bra and panties. She tells him, "OK, do it again, so they can all see."
"Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock again. "Ok, who wants some of this?"
The girls all giggle and the first one says, "Now show 'em the other way, too!"
"Dick! AT EASE!"
"AT EASE!"
"AT EASE!"
He then turns and starts furiously jacking it like it owes him money.
The scantily clad girls ask, "OMG, what are you doing!? We can take care of that for you!"
The Drill Sergeant says, "I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge, ma'am."
A girl dares a Scottish boy to climb up a flagpole.
He bets her five dollars that he can and she agrees. He climbs all the way to the top and gets his five bucks.
He tells his mom after school, feeling proud of his accomplishment.
“Och honey, she jist wanted ye tae climb th' pole sae she coods see up yer kilt.” She says, shaking her head.
A little wiser he returns to school the next day. This time the girl offers him ten dollars to climb the pole. He thinks this is a pretty good racket so he does.
Again after school he tells his mom who is this time a little upset.
“But hen min' whit Ah said lest time, she’s jist tryin' tae see up yer kilt.”
The boy grins slyly and responds “Ah ken, that’s wa Ah didn’t wear onie kilt.”
Some great writing, yeah right ! Did I read that sign right?
2018 Darwin Awards
You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2018 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&JLeather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS
Zookeeper FriedrichRiesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... '**** happens'
I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day, seemed like a nice guy.After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
This one is better than any "Ripley's Believe It Or Not” article!
Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?
For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about. Just when you think you have heard everything!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate! At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS), President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm,and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"
* You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and “grabs your *****”.
That's Donald Trump______________________________ ______________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you
were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,
"Irving,I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife.
Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid
questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked,
"Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi,
my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said
"Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!
One evening, soon after their honeymoon, Bill was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.You probably should also consider selling your Harley, along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat, and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage sports car, and your home brewing equipment."When she saw that Bill had gotten a horrified look on his face, she said, "Darling, what's wrong?"He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my
ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor." President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Working With God.....
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
Doctor: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
Hunchback: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
Doctor: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.
(Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
Hunchback: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
Doctor: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
Doctor: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
Hunchback: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
Doctor: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Honey, What Did the Doctor Say......?
A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
Cabbie.....
One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'
'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
WE HAVE ALL KNOWN SOMEONE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
......thanks Sammy K.
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Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 08-17-2018 at 11:52 AM.
08-16-2018, 09:30 PM
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) August 17th weekend, 2018
