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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) November 16th weekend 2018....
Well it's late Thursday night and the SNOW is falling!..... Across most of the east along with obscene, for November, bone chilling temps. BUT....they said it was going to be a mild winter?
Oh well, best to deal with it by laughing at it, so post up a good funny story, picture or video. Let's make it a good one!
___________________ ____________________ _______________ ___________________
First Bill's supplying some gifs as usual......
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously, "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
Well isn't that nice...
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
Nuns at the Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Angelic Assistance?
An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-15-2018 at 11:51 PM.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
From Sam K.
MONTEREY BAY...... When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife in a scuba diving incident in Monterey Bay, he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers. "We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife." "Well.... tell me!" he demanded. One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." So the police officer says: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay." "OH MY GOD!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up, she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her." "Huh?" he said, not understanding. So, what's the great news?" The officer smiled, licking his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2021 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,
"So, Mom, assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.
And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York "
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; Kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
IRISH FATHER’S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-15-2018 at 11:56 PM.
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies ( gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f-off."
I was the only speaker to show up at a boy scout meeting so I had the stage to myself.
I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since
I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"
I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money
on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women and whiskey. The rest I just wasted."
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or *****, it's cheaper to rent it.
2) If it's got **** or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish. They need to know this ****!
The dishwasher, the dog & the parrot
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you."
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied
"Get him Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
A visual representation of immigration into the United States - the true melting pot that hasn't blown up; yet....
Wow!. Watch the lower left of the screen for the time lapse. For the past 200 years where have all the people been coming from?
Notice what happens after 1960. http://metrocosm.com/us - immigration-history-map.html jala
These really are amazing!!
Anyone care to demonstrate their athletic capabilities like these people?
I wonder how many ‘Attempts’ were made with each of them before they were successful?
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked “what companies? “
Gas, water and electricity.
The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."
The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead."
Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket."
When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
My favorite (old) joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A little content in this one, but you can substitute the IRS pretty easily....
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have
three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a
Revenue Canada genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen.... and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
**Moral of the story:
If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached!
camouflaged toilet? action scene's in Handicap Toilet couldn't afford full boob job? kids nightlight security ladder great color choice for a bicycle seat....
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...click...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual... click....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
Would you like to dance?
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-17-2018 at 12:14 PM.
11-15-2018, 11:49 PM
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) November 16th weekend 2018....
BUT....they said it was going to be a mild winter? 
