midyearvette

Bill worked in a pickle factory.


He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his **** into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.



'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my **** into the pickle slicer?'



'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.



'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'



'Oh...she got fired too.'...........

dahogan

So if midyearvette spoke in the middle of the woods and his wife was not there to hear him; would he still be wrong?

Kerrmudgeon

Those crazy Amish!

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....




'Go get your Mother'

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Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Terrorists....

Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad" answered the boy.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you, little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."


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Kerrmudgeon

Curvette1

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by*2nd grade*school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. *She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. *Mostly to clean*the house.
3. *To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. *He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. *Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. *God made my mom just the same like he made me. *He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. *God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.**They had to get their start from men's bones. *Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. *We're related.
2. *God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. *My mom has always been my mom and*none of that other stuff.
2. *I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. *They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. *His last name.
2. *She had to know his background. *Like is he a crook? *Does he get drunk on beer?
3. *Does he make at least $800 a year? *Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. *My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. *And my mom eats a lot
2. *She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. *My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. *Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. *Mom. *You can tell by room inspection. *She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. *I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. *Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at*work.
2. *Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. *Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. *Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. *Mothers don't do spare time.
2. *To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to*make your mom perfect?
1. *On the inside she's already perfect. *Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. *Diet. *You know, her hair. *I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. *She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. *I'd get rid of that.
2. *I'd make my*mom smarter. *Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. *I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Curvette1

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Curvette1

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

Curvette1

MY FAVORITE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

Curvette1

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. It does not make your *** look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and
margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.

jlagarde

Boudreaux was paddling his pirogue down the bayou when he saw Gaston frantically walking up and down his pier and frantically calling Boudreaux over.

“What’s wrong wich you Gaston?” Boudreaux asked. “you is not lookin too good”.

“Oh Boudreaux, my Lilly Mae – she been gone all night in the pirogue and not come back from the sto’! I don know what happened and I can hardly stan myself worryin so.” Gaston cried.

“Don you worry my good friend, I’ll find yo’ Lilly Mae” Boudreaux declared and paddled off.

About an hour later, Boudreaux was back and Gaston was still pacing the dock. “What you find, where’s my Lilly Mae?” Gaston screamed.

“Oh Gaston, my frien’. I have some bad news, and some good news AND I have to ask you a favor” Boudreaux said. “The bad news is I found yore Lilly Mae. She done been drown’d down by the fork in the bayou.”

“The good news” Boudreaux continued “is that there was over 2 dozen crabs on her!

And about that favor, can I run her tomorrow?"

zardun

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.

"What did you do that for" says the snail.

oldsarge

Two things in life, you do not want to do.

Pet a burning dog !!!

Cook bacon naked !!!

Curvette1

VetteRed1965

VetteRed1965

narlee

Great Funnies as always!

Kerrmudgeon

A little late, but worth posting to me.......


AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH

Good Luck!!

I hope it works...

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.


Saying this out loud or to someone is supposed to being you the luck of the Irish........


________________________________ _____

Kerrmudgeon

One of my favorite old little rhyme.....

When God made man,

he made him out of string.

He had a little left,

so he left a little thing.

When God made woman,

he made her out of lace.

He didn't have enough,

so he left a little space.

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