TOP TEN PEEVES DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS


'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
Not funny... Not funny at all !!!
----------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I AM A F-R-I-G-G-I-N' DOG
--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
Not letting me check stuff out!
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
Food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whooooooo Hoooooooo - what
A proud moment for the top of the food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
Surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

------------- -------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop, do you?

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >

 

 

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.



You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party


When blondes have more fun, do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:

At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population


"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."


"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."

 

 

The Longest Nerve In The Body


Research from the Mayo Clinic...

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the **** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for
giving people a ****** outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your butt and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day.

 

We're doing good today!

A pedestrian took a few steps out into the road, when he was blind-sided and knocked over by a huge St. Bernard running past. As he staggered to his feet, a Smart Car clipped him and sped off without stopping.

Others rushed to his aid, and asked "Are you all right?"

The guy said "The dog didn't hurt me much, but the tin can tied to his tail damn near killed me!"

 

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'

'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.

'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
".....the balcony..."

 

It used to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash & Steve Jobs

Now we got no hope, no cash, and no jobs!

 

His name was Bubba, he was from South Carolina and he needed a loan, so
he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International
redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he
was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The
car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the
Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn &
Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the
University of South Carolina, a highly sophisticated investor and
Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the
world.Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas .What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000 from us?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

And his name was...... BUBBA !!! Keep your eyes on those Southern
boys.....ya hear?

 

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Mary, why do you want a pay increase?'

Mary: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Mary: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh. '

Mary: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Mary: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Mary: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that?'

Mary 'No, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE
_________________

 

Kevin Bacon, please don't die!

 

The one who thinks my jokes are poor
Would immediately change his views
Could he compare the ones I post
With those I cannot use!

 

I bet Carlos Santana is kinda glad the Gaddafi confusion can end now.



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New re-election strategy:



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For those dog lovers:




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Even one for the ex-sec-def / ex-VP, Mr. Richard Cheney:





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My daughter just walked into the living room and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out,
throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV,
and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army
or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front
door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't
forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said...
"Dad I have decided to work for the president's re-election campaign."

 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouts....

'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

 

It takes a few seconds for your brain to recognize that the numbers almost "resemble" letters they represent.----Hope your brain can pick up on it.



Fine example of a "Brain Study" ...



If you can read this you have a 'strong and healthy' brain:

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR BR41N C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD; BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3, Y0UR BR41N 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17.

B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 7O OTH3R5 1F U C4N R34D 7H15 .........




A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from
a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his mobile phone, talks for minute, picks up
his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

***************************

A reporter told Phil Mickelson,

"You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

******************************

A young man and a priest are playing together.

It's a short Par-3.

The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church

when we pray, we keep our heads down."

**************************

Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club,and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."

**************************

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees.

He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.

The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

*******************

The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"

 

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.



Only in America ...do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..


Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?



Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?




Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?





If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Good Catholic Joke....

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

_________________________________ _____

 

One of the best lines of the year.....

“Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”

_________________________________ _________