Kerrmudgeon

Time to clear out the old inbox.....enjoy!

God got the last word...

The Inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , Died and went to Heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a Good Man and Your Motorcycles have Changed the World, Your Reward is, you can Hang-Out with Anyone You Want to in Heaven.'

Arthur Thought About it for a Minute and then said,
'I want to Hang-Out with God.'

St. Peter Took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and Introduced Him to God.

God Recognized Arthur and Commented,'Okay, so you were the One Who Invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, That's Me...'

God Commented: 'Well, what's the Big Deal in Inventing Something that's
Pretty Unstable, Makes Noise and Pollution and Can't Run Without a Road?'

Arthur was a Bit Embarrassed, but Finally Spoke,
'Excuse me, but Aren't You the Inventor of Woman?'

God said, 'Ah, Yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'Professional to Professional,
You Have Some Major Design Flaws in Your Invention ! :

1. There's Too Much Inconsistency in the Front-End Suspension ~
2. It Chatters Constantly at High Speeds ~
3. Most of Rear Ends Are Too Soft and Wobble About Too Much ~
4. The Intake is Placed Way Too Close to the Exhaust ~
5. The Maintenance Costs Are Outrageous! ~

'Hmmmmm, You May Have Some Good Points There,
'Replied God, 'Hold On,'---->

God Went to His 'Celestial-Super-Computer',
Typed in a Few Words and Waited for the Results.

The Computer Printed-Out a Slip of Paper and God Read It ~
'Well, it May be True That My Invention is Flawed,' God Said to Arthur, 'But According to These Numbers, More Men are Riding My Invention Than Yours'



A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson

motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop..

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in,

and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary

and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

________________________ _____________________

Virus Alert......!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965 ......

Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! (That too!)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (yep!)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!)

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh, no not again!)

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!)

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Oh No!)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm.....have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

_______________________ ____________________

Hello, how can I help you.....

We've all talked to this guy...At
Last....A Picture of Him........

Mujibar was trying to get a job in
India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the
tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot
qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. .........


______________________ _____________________


MARGARET & BERT, geriatrics at large! . . . . .


Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

________________________ ______________________

Kerrmudgeon

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to
raise your voice
to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog;
they're ready to go, instantly,
24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing
when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask:
"If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad
in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one,
dogs don't run around frantically
with room spray.

12. Dogs love to ride in the back of
a pickup truck.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching
your *****. Instead, they sit pondering
why you don't lick 'em.

14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar
on, without calling you a pervert.

15. If a dog smells another dog on you,
it won't kick you in the crotch; it just
finds it interesting.

And last, but not least...................

16. If a dog runs off and leaves you,
it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage
for an hour. Then open the door, and observe
who's the happiest to see you!

________________________ _______________________

Elections are coming......



I might vote for this guy.....

He seems to have what it takes to

run this country!

Railroadman

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a girl with two wooden legs?
Peggy.

What do you call a guy who is sleeping on your front doorstep?
Matt.

What do you call a dead guy in your swimming pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a guy without a shovel in his head?
Douglas.

What do you call a guy buried in a bog?
Pete.

What do you call a dominatrix?
Tanya Hyde

Railroadman

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, bottom-over-hat, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

Railroadman

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple......... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

Most of the oil is in Alaska, Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Railroadman

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Cleveland and Columbus.

"About two hours," says the driver.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Columbus and Cleveland?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"

Rair67

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Railroadman

As a circus was packing up to go onto the next town, they noticed that their chimpanzee had died. Not knowing a suitable way to handle the problem they decided to load the carcass on one of the wagons, as they got outside of town they would roll him off in a ditch.

After going along a road for quite some time, they found a suitable place to carry out their plan.

Later in the day a couple of the local drunks were walking along the road and came upon the chimp.

"Who do you think we have here", asked the one drunk.

"I couldn't tell you who it is, but I could tell you where he worked."

"What do you mean, where he worked?"

"I mean by the size of those calluses on his a$$, he must have been a government employee."

midyearvette

During a recent password audit by Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGo ofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital."

Wine improves with age: the older I get, the better I like it.
- Anonymous

jjtoma

an a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
water Floated, of all things,
a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you
would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

jjtoma

A doctor in Duluth Minnesota �wanted to get
Off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns
The following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of
Three patients. 'The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?'
Asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
Taking off everything including
Her panties and lies
Down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?' asks the doctor.
J
'I put drops in her eyes!!
.

Kerrmudgeon

Two old drunks..

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years"!

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-****!

Kerrmudgeon

Boudreaux And Trosclair.....

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pours demselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas and get completely smashed.

De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel.

In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair. *Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?'

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?'

Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often.

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’ing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T................. cause I'm in Dallas!'

______________________ _______________________

Railroadman

A young man was attracted to a certain very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month.

The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best."

Railroadman

80,000 blondes meet at the Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

One blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15
plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble
of getting 80,000 of you here and the World Wide Press, I guess we can give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Ninety."

The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance.

What is 2 plus 2?"
After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Four."
The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Kerrmudgeon

This one come courtesy of Bill Schmitt........



Da End Iss Near!

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said: DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

_______________________ _______________________

BANG11

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper_

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Railroadman

Late one night deep in the backwoods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor. A doctor was sent for to assist in the delivery. He arrived in the middle of the night.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting' 'em?"
------------------------------------------------------------
The man was waiting in the maternity ward when a nurse walked in and said "Congratulations, your wife just had a baby girl!

The guy looked at his watch and said "Man, isn't nature amazing? Nine months on the dot!"

A few minutes later the nurse came back and said "You've been doubly blessed, your wife just had another little girl!"

The guy looked at his watch again and said "Man, this is incredible, nine months exactly!" With that he headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" asked the nurse.

"I'm going to get a cup of coffee" the guy said "the next one won't be here for about a half an hour!"

ricks327

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

ricks327

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you..'

The priest sighs in frustration.


'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,


'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'