Cooking with gas...


A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, 'Boy, your *** is getting big, almost as big as the gas grill here.' She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, 'Yep, that thing is getting huge.' At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, 'It IS as big as the gas grill!' Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. 'C'mon, honey,' he said, 'what's wrong?' Her cold reply was, 'I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!'

____________________________________ :lolg ____________________________________


When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that beotch knows I'm smarter than her.

__________________________________ _________________________________


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN Exam.


I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * By sleeping at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

__________________________________ ____________________________________


60th High School Reunion....

He was a widower and she a widow.



They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ..yes - I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

_____________________________________ _____________________________________


The Hypnotist.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance.

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a

very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed

the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from

the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

__________________________________ __________________________________

....thanks to Bill Schmit for a couple of these.

 

The Cow an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

 

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

>



Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four Greenies wearing **** tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three pairs of Jehovah's Witnesses, and a Pakistani taxi driver.>

FOR THE LAST TIME. THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!

 

Now on sale at IKEA – Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.





A Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.





Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.





I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.





Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.





I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69!





Paddy was doing some roofing work for Murphy. He neared the top of the ladder and started shaking and becoming dizzy.. He called down to Murphy and said, “I tink I will ‘ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Murphy asked “Ave yer got vertigo?” Paddy replied “No I only live round the corner.”





After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

 

For you other old guys with convertibles:

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ItXKGyO6cRA?rel=0

-- Steve

 

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when
they grow up. It was Little Johnny's turn.

Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive
clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment
in Vegas.
Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a
private jet, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3
times a day."
The teacher was at a loss for words and didn't know what to
do, so she just proceeded along and asked Little Susie what
she wanted to be.
Susie replied: " Johnny's bitch!!"

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

*******

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

******

I have a little GPS. It sits there in my car.
A GPS is a driver's friend. It tells you where you are.
I have a little GPS. I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones. My GPS is my wife.

It gives me full instructions. Especially how to drive.
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says. "Your doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start. And when to use the brake.
And tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red. And when it goes to green.
It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front. And all those to the rear.
And taking this into account it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver. has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car. It still gives me advice.
It fills me up with counseling. Each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it. And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things. And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages. And my tendency to scoff.
I do wish that once in a while. I could turn the damned thing off.

 

Our local flasher was thinking of retiring, but has decided to stick it out for another year.

******
Last time I was in Canada...It was so cold..the local flasher had to describe himself !!!

******

A woman reported to the police she had been flashed. The desk sergeant said if she could provide a description they would seek the perpetrator. The woman hesitated a moment then said "Well, it was no big thing...."

******

 

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

Mirror, Mirror….
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." 

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. 

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my ***** touch the floor." 

Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.

Black Sheep of the Family
Out in the middle of Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of natives. One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.

"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I say nothing."


Don’t Fart!
An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."


Two Deaf Men
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." 

The second deaf man signed back,
"Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." 

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" 

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."


Old Lady Phone….
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

Impending Death
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" 

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?" 

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't.


Why Men wear Earrings….
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. 
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' 

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 


'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. 
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" 

"Ever since my wife found it in my car." 

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

 

Scientific Research

A study was being conducted by the U.S. to determine why the head of a man's ***** is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost $1.5 million. The results of the study concluded that the head of the ***** is larger than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

When the results were published, Germany, not convinced the results of the American study, decided that they needed to do their own study. Three years later, and at a cost of $3.6 million (U.S.), they concluded that the head of a man's ***** is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

Hearing of these results, a group of scientists in Canada decided to conduct their own study since they didn't trust either the American or German study. After 3 weeks of intense research and a cost of $75.00, the Canadian study reached a conclusion: the head of a man's ***** is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

ct: FW: GETTING MARRIED WHEN OLDER ...........




WHEN OLDER ...........






OH DEAR.


--




>
> Getting Married
> Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living
> in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.
> They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
> and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.
>
> Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
> "Are you the owner?"
>
> The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
>
> Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you
> sell heart medication?"
>
> Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
>
> Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
>
> Pharmacist: "All kinds "
>
> Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
>
> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
>
> Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
>
> Pharmacist: "You bet!"
>
> Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems,
> arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
>
> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
> works."
>
> Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills,
> Geritol, antidotes for
> Parkinson's disease?"
>
> Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
>
> Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and
> indigestion?"
>
> Pharmacist: "We sure do."
>
> Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and
> canes?"
>
> Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
>
> Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"
>
> Pharmacist: "Sure."
>
> Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our
> wedding presents list..."
>
>