Kerrmudgeon

I hope everyone enjoys the Easter weekend with family and loved ones.
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A few gems from Air Traffic Control....


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,

Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of

the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a

right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany .. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the

Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.

Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto

Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it

right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this

out! You stay right there and don't move untill I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I

want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell

you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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The Footless Parrot...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'


DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

_______________________________________


Jury selection...

Years ago I was very impressed with this lawyer in Gadsden Alabama for his ability to pick jury members. He never would present arguments very well but he often won cases because he knew how to pick a jury.

I will never forget one case about a man who was charged with beastiality. He had sex with a goat. At the beginning of the trial, the prosecutor was questioning the lead witness and asked her to describe what she saw. Naturally, she was very hesitant to speak on this as she was somewhat shy. finally, she blurted out that after he had had sex with the goat, the goat turned around and kissed the defendant on the lips!. Then, one of the jurors leaned over to the only lady on the jury and said "you know, a good goat will do that." The rest of the jurymen all shook their head in agreement. The pervert walked free.

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A tough sell......

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I’ll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch *****."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

________________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Political Correctness

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's chosen term was "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end."


Truthful words indeed.

___________________________

plaidside

During a long day of looking around Cabela’s, a couple of my friends and I stopped in at Hooter's for some Hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.

Railroadman

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Kerrmudgeon

The best way to wake up is with a doggie alarm clock......

MAD IN NC

Wife Georgia to Tim "Where the hell have you been?" You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Tim - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason".

"Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!" "Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying .......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.

Wife - "********! You played 36 holes, didn't you!




A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever
there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. 
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her 
neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

(HERE IT COMES!!!)


The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside 
down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Kerrmudgeon

Mad in NC....what the heck is this. If it's a picture, why not just post the picture?

File Type: pdf OK….pdf (517.7 KB, 0 views)

Kerrmudgeon

A little Easter content.....

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny get a ticket?

A. He ran a hop-sign!

Q. Why can't eggs be comedians?

A. They'd crack each other up!

Q. Where do bunnies hang out?

A. The hare salon!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
His friends egged him on!

Why did the Easter eggs race to the Easter basket?
They were dye-ing to get in.

What kind of stories do bunnies like best?
Cotton-tales!

Why do eggs go to the beach?
To search for seashells, of course!

Why was the Easter Bunny nervous about his plan for delivering baskets?
Because Santa Claus told him it was a harebrained scheme!

Where do eggs go on vacation?
Easter Island!

What's the Easter Bunny's favorite sport?
Basket-ball!

How does the Easter Bunny make sure his basket goodies are evenly distributed?
Through a system of "chicks" and balances!

What do eggs listen to on the radio?
Yolk music!

What's the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
Hare mail!

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside!

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It's been nice gnawing you!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken!

______________________

c1j1c2

The New 2014 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years..

Kerrmudgeon

....not really funny, but I did snicker.

Kerrmudgeon

....wonder if her Dad is proud of her?

ricks327

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
.



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

out2kayak

Kerrmudgeon

After all, it's EASTER!

ricks327

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem

to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,

she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most

beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.


The woman asked the gentlemen,

"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"


The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front

of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.

My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."


Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try

doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if

it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she

flashed her garden hoping for the best.


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied,

"but my cucumbers are enormous."

Kerrmudgeon

It's still Easter, and I forgot this one, cheers!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an
animal

lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..

Are you ready for this?


(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter Monday!!!