Kerrmudgeon

Good morning people. Hope everyone is well and enjoying some good weather by now. Get those old cars out and drive them!
________________________________________ ___________

Badabing...!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

......Pilgrims. ....I know...groan!



Rules are rules....

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Say WHAT?....

An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor was
able to perform an operation that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"



***** and *******

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of ***** are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of ******* are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his ***** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are just for decoration.”



Curses!

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."



Evolution....

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

......

Kerrmudgeon

Difference between Oo and oO



Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.



The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court next Monday."



On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."



"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "



"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."



"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, son?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."



"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"



"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your azzhole BEFORE prison..........”

GEM '62

Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

GEM '62

.And ... they can vote!


http://safeshare.tv/w/oHbxeOtsOP

GEM '62

You may or may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others.

Perhaps you may have only heard of them. Great humor! Not a single “F”-bomb word in any of their comic routines as shown below :

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs.Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

GEM '62

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is
near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record
his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

• My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

• My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.

• My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

* Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith,
your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated
all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the ******* had a paper route!"

GEM '62

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.


The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.


A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke that window?"


"Uh...yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband quickly replied.

"Oh no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."


"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years ? my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.



“No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

GEM '62

This has been around before but men have short memories and need constant refreshers when it comes to women. Therefore, for all my single buddies pay attention! For my married friends...well, it may be too late for some of you but at least you will get a better understanding on what type of wife you married.
>
> Be sure to watch it to the end for the chart on women searching for men. This will give you single guys an insight into what women are really looking for in a man.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >

GEM '62

A drunken man who smelled of whiskey sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of Ballantynes was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

GEM '62

Roger Williams is the former Secretary of State in Texas under Governor Rick Perry. In that position he was the state’s director of elections. He won the 25th Congressional District in 2012 and was just re-elected. The district is in South Central Texas and includes a portion of Austin, the citadel of Liberalism in Texas. Those folks must be beside themselves over his re- election, because he is a staunch conservative.
Here is one of his campaign ads - and probably the cutest ad you’ll ever see.

htttp:// http://www.youtube.com/embed/F6etfJg...yer_detailpage

GEM '62

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a'
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!'
And rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said,


Indians don't use saddles."

Kerrmudgeon

Regrets.....

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!”



In honor of the Master's Golf Tournament
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"

Rumor has it that he walked home...



Another blond.....

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

GEM '62

THIS IS NOT ONLY CLEVER BUT TRUE!!!!!!!
Watch it and send it!!!!
See what Nashville has done. Click below.

Curvette1

FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf *****.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s *****'


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Curvette1

>From the Archives of the Truman Library and Museum…….

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"!

Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I’d been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri.

An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the [Japanese] Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo , Japan 0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?!

(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the
press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo , Japan 1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!

1955 copper

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.


After following along for a wh ile, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"


"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.


The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,


"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."


"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.


The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks
"and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...


"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

1955 copper

> At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to
> audit the books of a local hospital.
>
> While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
> "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end
> Of The roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
> "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them
> Back To the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free
> Roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
> question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
> way.
>
> "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with
> what's Left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the
> CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying To trap him with an unanswerable
> question. "We save it and send it Back to the manufacturer and every so
> often they will send us a free Bag of plaster."

> "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
> fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do
> with All the remains from circumcision surgeries?"
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is
> save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
> about once a year they send us a complete *****."

After38Years

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're makin love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."


Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For god's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.


Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".


An answer I can understand….. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn told him that he's very lucky, because his own wife makes him walk.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'


Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.


Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
'Quick!' he said. Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

MAD IN NC

A Retired Person's Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 2,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Democrats just abuse the privilege.






Content froma Sr. Citizen…. For the Sr. Citiszens…
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement,
Under God out of prayer.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy while we're here.

And Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!!






You are never too old to learn something new. Here is today's lesson… "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES
English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ***** Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia. Nice ****,
Get in the Truck.


Mary, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mary's house, walked home and left it there all night.



A lady, at 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN
AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman
sitting in a wheelchair.He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
the old man smiled, 'And therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted, 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'And therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I'.








John, an old retired wireline engineer, was celebrating 75 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 75 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 75 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little *****. Just think. If you were alive today, ..... You'd be 75."



Quickies….
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

My wife was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell "DISASTER."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better....So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do....Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris Wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


The police came out to my house and told me my dog was chasing some kid around on his bike. I thought about it for a few seconds, and told him… My dog doesn't even know how to ride a bike. Goodbye!




WOMEN YOU CAN'T TAKE ANYWHERE, but who have a great sense of humor....

Kerrmudgeon

Golf buddies......

Two guys were playing golf and there was a female twosome in front of them, playing very slowly.

Eventually Bob got mad and said he was going to ask them to let the guys play through. He got in the cart and went halfway to them, then turned and came back.

Ralph asked why he didn't approach the women. Bob said "I can't. It's my wife and my mistress."

Ralph said he would go do it. He got in the cart and went halfway to them, then turned and came back.

When he got back he said to Bob "Small world, isn't it?"