Kerrmudgeon

...the weekend is here! Hope everyone is well. Time for a smile as VicZ used to say.
________________________________________ _________

Here's 3 to start with that I've seen before but bear repeating....

Thou shall not lie....

In Catholic schools students are taught that
lying is a sin.
However, instructors are also advised that
using a bit of
imagination is OK to express the truth
differently without
lying. Below is a perfect example of this
teaching:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from
Ireland asked the
priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a
favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for
you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair
dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over
the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for
me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I
must warn you, I
will not tell a lie.'

'With your honest
face, Father, I'm sure that no one
will
question
you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go
first.
The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'

'From the top of
my head down to my waist I have nothing
to declare.'

The official thought
this answer a little strange, so he
asked, 'And what do you have to declare
from your waist
to the floor?'

'I have a
marvelous instrument that has been
designed
for use on women, but
which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go
ahead, Father, Next please.

_________________________________ ___


Sex Ed.....

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you ?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex ?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out ?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50....and I get $43 back from Medicare.

__________________________________


The Bank Job...

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker says, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman points at her car out at the curb, and replies, "Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker peers out the window, stunned. "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman hands over the keys and title, and they check her credentials. Everything checks out. They park the car in their underground garage for two weeks. When she returns from vacation, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The incredulous loan officer hands her the keys and title. "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "I'm rich for a reason. Where else in New York City can I park a car for two weeks for less than twenty dollars and expect it to be there when I return?"

_________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

And some interesting visuals for you.....

Kerrmudgeon

Your education system at work.......

Kerrmudgeon

OLD TIMERS ONE LINERS

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone
I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Many times I think about the “here after” that when I walk out to hall closet and look in and I wonder
“what I’m here after”

, thanks Bill Schmitt for that one.

Roger Walling

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" The bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room."



The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil. "That darn gate broke again," he says. "It's your turn to fix it." "Forget it," says the devil. "My people are too busy." "But we had a deal," says St. Peter, "and if you don't honor it, I'll have to sue you for breach of contract." The devil laughs. "Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?"


Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical. Rich says, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive types, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball answers, "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The executive says to Rich, "I knew this was bull. My father's been dead for twenty years." The inventor says, "Ask the question in a different way." The executive types in, "Where is my mother's husband?" The computer answers, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."



Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Roger Walling

You shouldn't put too much faith in statistics.

"A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one ********.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

A 3-year-old boy examined his ********* while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied

Kerrmudgeon

Medieval help desk........

Kerrmudgeon

And, as the elections in both our countries draw near, a classic Bob Hope moment...

Kerrmudgeon

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank him again!"

Roger Walling

Things are going slow today so it is time for some deep thought.

Dear God...

Why God likes the little children...

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Eugene
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?

Norma
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
Katy
Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for
was a puppy.
Alex
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Ryan
Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be
Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
John
Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with
so much hair all over.
Sam
Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the
world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
George
Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Michael
Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound
right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Christopher
Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Cathy
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we
learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Courtney
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just
want you to know that I am not just saying this because you
are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
they had their own rooms. It works with me and my brother.
Larry

Kerrmudgeon

Knock knock knock........anybody home?

Lots of lookers, but no posters.....

steampunk c1

A doctor was waiting for his next patient and when they arrived, it was a georgeous blonde. The doctor almost lost his control because he was so attracted. He let all professionalism go out the window and walked over to her. "What is your name miss?" he asked. "Allie" she replied. He began to feel her breasts because he was so wild with desire, and he said: "do you know what I am doing Allie?" she said "yes, you are checking lumbs in my breasts." "yes, that's right" he replied. He then began to rub his hands up and down her body. he said to her "allie, do you know what I am doing now?" "yes," she said, "you are checking me for any skin imperfections." "thats right" he said. He finally lost all control and began to have intercourse with the woman. "Now do you know what I am doing Allie?" he asked, absolutely having the time of his life. "yes," she said, "getting herpes which is why I came to see you."

steampunk c1

An elderly lady was rocking on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared before her and offered to grant her three wishes.
"Well," said the woman, "I really would like to be rich."
*POOF* Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"I sure wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess," she said.
*POOF* She was immediately turned into a beautiful young princess with a stunning crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother, just as the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. "Ohh," the woman exclaimed, "Could you possibly turn my cat into a handsome young prince?"
*POOF* Standing before her was a young man far more handsome than anyone could ever imagine.
She stared at him in awe, totally smitten. As he moved towards her, she could feel her knees weaken. He bent down, lightly brushed his lips across her ear and whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutured!"

steampunk c1

dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

steampunk c1

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

steampunk c1

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his ********* ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left ******** and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right ********, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his ********* were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

out2kayak

21 Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays:

1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a **** carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
8. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
9. Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart.
10. His career was blowing up like a man with a broken metal detector walking through an active minefield.
11. The sun was below the watery horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.
12. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes at a 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
13. It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.
14. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.
15. Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.
16. It's basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.
17. If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that's a little colder than it is here.
18. Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.
19. The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.
20. He felt confused. As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.
21. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

out2kayak