Kerrmudgeon

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone, where you get to eat Messican food and clean your system out as well...
I hope you all aren't too wet with all the flooding around......
_______________________________________________________

A few interesting visuals to start with......


























They Look Happily Married......

“Now that looks like a happily married couple,” remarked the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, dear,' began the wife. 'They're probably saying the same thing about us.”



gas company servicemen

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"



Lamaze class question....

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is GOOD for you! Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt YOU to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Kerrmudgeon

Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"



Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."



An engineer dies.......

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"



The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

steampunk c1

New Quotes to live by…………..
1. I love dieting. Right now, I’m on a heavy gin diet, I’ve lost 3 days already
2. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger
3. My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying that they weren’t that lonely.
4. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
5. Never trust a man with short legs ... especially a French midget on a plane as his brain is too close to his ***.


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the **** channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake!
Leave it on the **** channel. You know how to fish!"
I didn't see that coming.


SAD STORY ..... MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE..
A foursome of men waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.

Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,
"I guess all those f’ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.......


A corporate America truth………..
The executive officers of the Company were called in to the chairman's office one by one until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did with trepidation.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the young man and asked aggressively, "Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?"

"No, certainly not" he replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Absolutely! I've never laid a finger on her."
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes sir, I swear I've never slept with your secretary."
"Good. Then you fire her."

steampunk c1

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.



So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.



The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young
and beautiful again."



The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


The blonde said, "No, just up to my **** ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

steampunk c1

VERY, VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of ***** in there..

How do you make 2 kilos of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

If you lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for two hours, when you open it, who is the happiest to see you?
The dog, of course. He'll wag his tail once you let him out.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.

ricks327

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


OR


You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


OR


You can retire to New York City where...

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression


OR


You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"


OR


You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!


OR


You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


OR


You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR


FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Root2812

plaidside

Engineer "Speak"

REALLY LIKE THIS ONE!!!!

I called an old engineering school friend and asked what was he doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel in a constrained environment". I was really
impressed....

Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife's supervision.

64Corvette

[URL=http://s274.photobucket.com/user/Gpawslittlecars/media/ass_2.jpg.html]

Kerrmudgeon

Modern Civilization in 2017

Ø Our Phones - Wireless

Ø Cooking - Fireless

Ø Cars - Keyless

Ø Food - Fatless

Ø Tires -Tubeless

Ø Dress - Sleeveless

Ø Youth - Jobless

Ø Leaders - Shameless

Ø Relationships - Meaningless

Ø Attitudes - Careless

Ø Babies - Fatherless

Ø Feelings - Heartless

Ø Education - Valueless

Ø Children – Mannerless

We are - SPEECHLESS,

Government - is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians - are WORTHLESS!


I'm scared - Shitless!

....

the kid C6

Mike Terry

That girl in the first post is hired.

Kerrmudgeon

The moment you realize you've made a huge mistake......






Nice shirt kid....






Kid's got a great future.....















.........

1955 copper

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.

Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted, "I did." St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

Kerrmudgeon

Raining hardware......?

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"



Marriage commandments......

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..



Anniversary Gift

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: 'Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!'
'I suppose,' the husband responded, 'we could vacuum.'



A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his *****.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

Kerrmudgeon

Ya'll from Bama?......

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.


Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama , ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners!"

ricks327

THE PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second
guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.