Kerrmudgeon

I trust you all had a great Thanksgiving yesterday and are ready to relax and laugh. If you're traveling, be careful on the busy roads this weekend.
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A couple of interesting gifs to start with.....


















There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."



On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"



A few shorties......

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ********'s.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven, with some assembly required.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!



A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."



A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Kerrmudgeon

One from Billy Schmitt.....



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and ***** from school and get some dinner".

Kerrmudgeon

Kids stuff.....

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."



Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?" Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white." Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."



Two kids were talking together. First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands." Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy say he touchs something soft and downy?" First: "Yes, of course." Second: "Those are my daddy's *********."



It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

Kerrmudgeon

Any of you older guys remember this guy......

Bowtyeguy

Im not allowed in this store anymore

ricks327

BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

C.W.C.

A man wakes up during the middle of the night and decides to go downstairs for a snack. As he passes his daughters bedroom he hers a loud buzzing noise and his daughter is moaning loudly so he burst into the room and finds his daughter lying naked on the bed with a sex toy grinding away. He demands to know what is going on and she explains that she has "needs" but is not interested in having casual sex and has not found a suitable marriage prospect yet. The father does not know how to feel about this so he just tells her to "stop it" and leaves. The next night he can not sleep thinking about what he seen so he gets out of bed to listen at his daughters door and hears more moaning and buzzing coming from her room and goes in and demands that she "stop doing that".
His daughter replies "Daddy just think this toy is my husband and we are enjoying ourselves". the following night the wife wakes up to discover her husband is not in bed and goes to investigate. As the wife is passing the daughter's room she hears loud moaning, grunting and a loud buzzing sound. The wife opens the door to find her husband holding the sex toy for his daughter with one hand and drinking a beer with his other hand.
Shocked the wife starts screaming at her husband "what are you doing?"
The husband replies "I am just having a beer with my son-in-law".

toddalin

Another Bad Parrot!

A lady walks into a pet shop to buy a talking parrot. The owner says, "I just have this one, but you don't want it."

"Why wouldn't I want it" asks the lady?

The owner says, "Because it says "Sh-t" before it says anything else."

The lady, thinking he's full of crap, says "I really want a talking parrot, and I can break it of the habit."

So she buys the parrot and takes it home.

On the way home the parrot says, "Sh-t, this is a nice car."

When they arrive, the parrot say, "Sh-t, this is a nice place you've got here."

The parrot goes on...

"Sh-t, you're a nice lady."

"Sh-t, I'm really going to like living here."

"Sh-t, this is a really nice cage!"

"Sh-t, I really like this food."

etc., etc., etc.

Days go by and the lady is getting really tired of this and says to the parrot, "If you say Sh-t one more time, I'm going to pluck a feather. And, I'm going to pluck a feather each time you say it."

So, the parrot says, "Sh-t, you wouldn't do that!"

So she plucks a feather.

"Sh-t, that hurt" says the bird!

So she pull another and the parrot says, "Sh-t, ouch!"

And she pulls another.

Three days later, the parrot is entirely bald!

So it says, "Sh-t you're still a nice lady." "Sh-t, it is still nice living here." etc. etc. etc.

So now the lady is really exasperated, and says..., "If you say Sh-t, one more time, I'm going too..."

And the parrot says "Sh-t, what are you going to do that you haven't already done???"

So the lady opens up the frigerator and throws the parrot inside on the bottom shelf and slams the door.

"Sh-t, I didn't think she was going to do it," says the bird.

"Shhhhhh-iiiii-ttttt, it's cold in here!" shivers the parrot.

So the parrot hops up a shelf thinking it may be a bit warmer up higher.

There it sees the Thanksgiving turkey all stuffed and ready for the oven...,

And the parrot says...,

"Sh-t! He must have said Fu-k!!!"

Kerrmudgeon

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25 years old, with huge ****, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice, "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"



A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all still at the funeral."



So 3 mothers (a red headed mom, a brunette mom, and a blonde mom) are all sitting down talking about how disappointed they are in their daughters.

The red headed mom says, "I found whiskey in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she drank."

The brunette mom says, "That's nothing. I found marijuana in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she did drugs."

The blonde mom says, "You're great mothers compared to me, I found condoms in my daughter's room, and I didn't even know she had a dick!"



A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll **** on it."

Vitaminmopar

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."




And we thought we had problems! If Noah had lived in the United States in the last ten years, the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems."

"First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.' And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

Kerrmudgeon

Thanks Mark and you other guys for your additions......been a slow week so far.

Come on all you lookyloos and lurkers......find something funny and post it up! This is supposed to be a group effort.....

MAD IN NC

ricks327

Here is an oldie:


Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie, with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Old Dingus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Kerrmudgeon

Some Thanksgiving FAILS....

















....

ricks327

Who the hell is Jim ?
Well Jim is the geezer who got home late one night and his wife asks "Where the hell have you been?"
Jim replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Jim is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

MAD IN NC

An Older Golfer...


An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "No, it isn't."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "Yes, that's it!"

The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the pond. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!




FROZEN CARBURETOR

Boy was his face red.


People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. “What’s the matter? asked the Trooper "Carburetor's frozen,
" was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.” "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."



Whether you own a dog or not,
you must appreciate the efforts
of this owner trying to sell her dog.
Look at the picture of this lovable
Chinese Mastiff and then read
the sales pitch below.





Dog For Sale. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro any more, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

vetintheblood

A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."

How do you tell when a mid-engined Ferrari is warmed up? It's on fire.

What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill? A miracle. What do you call two VW buses at the top of a hill? A mirage.

What car does a Proctologist drive? A brown Ford Probe.

What's the good thing about Fords? They come out of the factory with the problem circled.

MAD IN NC

ricks327

A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

MAD IN NC

Another Black Friday pic....

When TV's are smarter than their future owners