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Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; and in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said
"The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
American Tourist versus Australian.....
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”
The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”
The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”
The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
“We throw them away, of course.”
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”
Why do you think it’s called.... Wrigley’s
A young boy....
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
Cupcakes.....
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Shorties on Men.....
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the ***** called?
The man.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.
What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my ******* mind."
Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.
What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.
Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.
For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.
Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.
What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.
Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.
What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.
Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?
There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.
Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.
How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"
Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.
Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.
Why do men put women on pedestals?
So they can look up their skirts.
How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.
What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a *****.
Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?
Proof-read.
What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.
What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.
Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.
Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.
What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.
Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.
Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.
Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.
How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.
Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.
What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.
What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.
How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.
How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuele.
How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.
How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
How men differ from women in remembering the past . . .
A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.....
She was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her
at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years
ago on one of her first dates with her husband.
When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.
"Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!"
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Q: What do you have when you hold two green ***** in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
When I was 18 years old, one of my older brothers, he took me aside, and he told me he was gay. So, I called the police. I said, 'Could you send over a cop car? My brother's a homosexual.' They said, 'Sir, we cannot send over a cop car just because your brother is gay.' I said, 'Please? He loves a man in uniform, and it's his birthday. I want it to be a surprise.'
Q: What is long, hard and stiff, is used inside a warm, wet place, and gets moved back and forth for the best effect?
A: A toothbrush.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Q: What do you call a redneck with a pig under one arm and a sheep under the other?
05-25-2018, 03:13 PM
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