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(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) LABOR DAY -August 31st weekend, 2018...
…….and here we are on the eve of Labor Day in the US. Hope all that celebrate have good weather as I’m sure the grille’s will be delivering lots of carcinogens to us that will be celebrating.
Looks as SNAFU with fires still on west coast and heat and bad weather everywhere else. Air Quality in Can and Pacific NorthWest is 3x what is reported in Bejing…. Fall should be here soon and hopefully relief will be on the way.
Personally, Robbie and I want to thank those who either send us postings or post in YOUR Friday Funnies thread. This thread is getting ~1,800 TO ~2,000 hit’s per week - so those that post, THANK’s
So, let’s get it going and start with the GIF’S from friend William
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time...”sitting on the front porch smoking a good cigar and sipping a great single malt isn't a good thing?" I asked. (Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.)
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 75-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Her Diary / His Diary
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what
to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life
is a disaster.
Husbands Diary:
A two-foot putt..........Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in South Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
God speaks to a Golfer!
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedre, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again.
When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying,
"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one, a Titleist ProV1 if you have it."
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "Take another practice swing.
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited; a long silence followed.
Then, the voice again, "Use the old ball."
How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
10 engineering professors board a plane
Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.
One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.
To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.
The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."
A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"
The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."
A boy calls 9-11.
"9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about."
Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my wife.
"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"
"Where's your lieutenant?"
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir."
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
My ex broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair
I’m not too bothered though, I’m sure she’ll come crawling back any day now
A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...
"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."
The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said.
"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. Come back in a year."
The young man left. A year later, he came back and said:
"Master, I've waited for a year. Please teach me Kung Fu."
The Kung Fu Master sighed and said:
"I will teach you Kung Fu, but first, you must perfect your mind. For three years, watch the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening.
The young man left. In three years, he returned.
"Great Master, I have watched the sun rise in the morning and watched it set in the evening for three years. Please teach me Kung Fu."
"I will," said the Kung Fu Master, "but first you must learn to levitate five li above ground.
Baffled, the young man left. The Kung Fu Master was relieved, thinking he'd finally got rid of the nuisance for good. However, in five years the man returned.
"Great Master, I have practiced for every day, for five years. Now, I can levitate five li above ground," he said and levitated five li above ground.
The Kung Fu Master looked at the sight and said:
"Holy ******* ****."
What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?
Eventually every ******* gets one.
A man and a woman in a hot air balloon realized they were lost.
They lowered their altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. The woman shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help us? We promised friends we would meet them an hour ago, but we don't know where we are."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.”
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
" Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and we're still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to us."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"We both are," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
" Well," said the man, "you don 't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
“ONE IS NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!”
Manure.. An interesting fact.Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happeningAfter that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) ,…………. “So it’s really not a swear word”which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word.Neither did II had always thought it was a golfing term
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'Who said he wanted to?
Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.
My boss yelled at me yesterday “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday. ,
Last edited by Roger Walling; 08-31-2018 at 09:49 AM.
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife’s movements. The husband demanded more than just a written report – he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband. As the tape played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them having a playful fight in the street. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
When the tape ended, the distraught husband said: “I can’t believe this!”
“What’s not to believe?” asked the detective. “It’s right up there on the screen. The camera never lies.”
The husband replied: “What I mean is, I can’t believe my wife is so much fun!”
Two days before Christmas, Jim was flying from London’s Heathrow Airport to Washington, DC, to visit his wife, who worked in the United States. He arrived at Heathrow to find the entire terminal decked in green and red, complete with tacky elves, Santas, reindeer, snowmen and Christmas trees wherever he looked. Meanwhile, between announcements of flight delays and cancellations, the loudspeakers blared out tinny renditions of Christmas carols.
As he checked-in his luggage, having queued for the best part of an hour, Jim noticed a sprig of cheap plastic mistletoe hanging over the conveyor belt. By now he had endured enough of the Heathrow experience and needed someone on whom to vent his frustration, so he said to the woman at the check-in desk: “I’m sorry, madam, but even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir,” she replied. “Look more closely at where the mistletoe is located.”
“Okay,” he said, “I can see that it’s above the conveyor belt, which is where you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”
“But that’s not why it’s there,” she said. “It’s there so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
Back in the 1940s, two first-time flyers took a plane from New York to Los Angeles. When they made their first stop – at Philadelphia – a red truck arrived to put fuel in the plane.
A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh, and again a red truck pulled up to fill the plane’s tanks with fuel.
Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing the truck pull up again, one passenger said to the other: “We sure are making good time.”
“Yes, we are,” said the other, “and so is that red truck!”
A pilot died at the controls of his airplane and went to Hell. The Devil took him to the “new arrivals” zone, where there were three doors marked one, two and three. The Devil said the pilot would be allowed to choose his own hell, but told him to stay where he was for a few minutes while the Devil disappeared to attend to some urgent business.
But the curious pilot couldn’t help looking around in the Devil’s absence. First he peered behind door number one and saw a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. Then he looked behind number two and saw a pilot forever trying to resolve emergency situations. Finally he looked behind door number three and saw a flight captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.
The Devil returned just as the pilot got back to his waiting position. He offered the pilot a choice between door number one and door number two.
The pilot said: “But I wanted door number three!”
“Sorry,” replied the Devil. “That’s flight attendants’ hell.”
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3.Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.*****-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7.Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.********, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
A woman went to the doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for **** sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. “Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes I do," She answered. "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No, I rather like it," she responded "Well, then," the doctor continued, "There’s no reason that you shouldn't practice **** sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from **** sex?” "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Barbara Boxer,Hillary Clinton, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz,Maxine Waters, and Al Sharpton came from?"
08-30-2018, 10:00 PM
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) LABOR DAY -August 31st weekend, 2018...
…. Fall should be here soon and hopefully relief will be on the way. 
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