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(@&@) FRIDAY FUNNIES MAY 3rd - CINCO DE MAYO (@Y@)
Here we are... MayDay has passed and this weekend we have Cinco de Mayo, the famous Mexican holiday that they don't celebrate in Mexico...
Kermie is fighting snow still In Canada which is driving him crazy. We down here have had of blast of 90+ weather so hope this weekend will be great for all no matter what ya have going on - College graduation here to attend....
so with that let's kick it off with the Gif's from Neighbor William and remember or celebrate Cinco de Mayo all!!!
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.
A guy was acing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.
Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
A man woke up to find his car missing
The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.
He saw an envelope on the driver’s seat. When he opened it up he found 4 Cinema tickets along with a letter.
“Dear Sir i’m not a thief. My wife was pregnant and yesterday she felt labor pain. I don’t have a car and couldn’t find lift so i broke the lock of your car. On the way to the hospital her water broke out. I have washed and polished your car and here are the cinema tickets for your entire family please go and enjoy.”
The man become emotional he told his wife and that day they went to the cinema together and enjoyed a lot.
They came back to the home to find the front door open and all lockers were broken and cash was missing. There was a letter purposely placed on the sofa….
“How was the film Sir?”
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”
A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.
A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.' Doesn't seem to comprehend
He decides to buy another one. Still not hitting him
He buys a third and eats it. Suddenly he looks at the man and say: Hey! These are just peas!
The man looks over and him as says: Ahhh see, you're getting smarter already.
Give Me One
This guy is married and his wife knows he is a bit of a cranky pants. They go out together on a night out.
They go to the restaurant and order a nice meal. Midway through he calls the waiter and says, "Is there any such thing as a decent glass of wine to go with this dinner, if so give me one."
Then they go to a pub where he calls to the barman, "Is there any such thing as pints of beer here, if so give me one."
On the way home they stop at a takeaway where he says, "Is there any such thing as a burger here, if so give me one."
They go home and then go to bed and the man says "Is there any such thing as sex here?" His wife says, "It depends."
The man says, "What do you mean by that?" and his wife responds, "Is there any such thing as an orgasm here, if so give me one."
Kidnapped Wife
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still **********?
A: Miracle Whip.
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my *****? Never mind, you won't get it."
Pet Skunk
We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day.
One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying... "No pets allowed," she turned to me and said. "What shall we do about the pet skunk?
"I replied" shove it down your panties, no one will know. "She then asked me "What about the smell?" And I said "Well if it dies it ******* dies!".
Foreplay Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."
"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"
Mexican Girl
There is an Math Teacher, Science Teacher, and a daughter of a Mexican stripper.
All 3 of them where going to HELL. So the devil tells them " I'll let you'll ask me a question and if I get it wrong you can go to HEAVEN But if I get it right you stay here in HELL with me"
So he asks the Math Teacher to give me a hard question. So the Math Teacher does. (The Devil gets it right) So he tells the Math Teacher he has to stay in HELL and experience torture for thousands of years.
He ask the Science Teacher to give me a hard question. So the Science Teacher does (The Devil gets it right) So he tells the Science Teacher he has to stay in HELL and experience torture for thousands of years.
So he ask the Mexican Girl. The Mexican girl pulls up a chair and drills 3 hole in it and sits down and farts. She ask the DEVIL "What Hole did it come out of." The Devil Tells her the second hole.
She tells him NO!! You DUMDASS. It came out of my BUTTHO...
Short Mexico Jokes
Why do Mexicans make refried beans?
Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
Carlos!
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?
Sinko De Mayo.
What do the Mexicans call "The Bachelorette"?
Pico de Gallo.
Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.
Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
He joined the que que que.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a priest?
Alien vs Predator.
What's the difference between pick and choose?
Pick means to select something and choose is what a Mexican wears on his feet.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro, sink-o.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph cause he's too short to be an essay.
What do you call a mexican with a bottle of vermouth?
A dry Martinez.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
Arriba McEntire.
What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?
Because there is no tres-passing.
Where are the best margaritas served?
In the gulp of Mexico.
Why did the Mexican sign up for Tinder?
For a Juan night stand.
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
How does every Mexican joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why couldn't the Mexican go bow hunting?
Because he didn't haberno.
Why don't Mexicans like cold weather?
Because they are afraid of ICE.
What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
Baked Beans.
What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?
I don't know either, but imagine that thing picking oranges
How do you say "tall Mexicans" in Spanish?
Churros
What do you get when you cross a Chinese and a Mexican man?
A car thief who can't drive!
What do you call an Mexican in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A Referee.
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a deadbeat?
About three Coronas.
What do you call a Mexican jedi apprentice?
Pada Juan.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A ******-Schnitzel
Why were there only 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had two cars.
What happens when a Mexican and an ASIAN make a baby?
A car thief who can't actually drive is born.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?
Oil of Ol'e.
What do you call Mexican food that slowly moves?
Inch-iladas.
Why did God give Mexicans noses?
So they'll have something to pick in the winter.
What do you call two Mexican FireFighting brothers?
Hose A and Hose B
What kind of containers are there in Mexico?
Mexicans.
What's a Mexicans favorite book store?
Borders
Why are Mexicans and basketball players a like?
They both run jump shoot and steal
What do Mexicans and vending machines have in common?
They both take your money and don't work.
What does a depressed Mexican say?
I don't wanna taco bout it.
Whats the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo?
Nobody pretends to be Mexican.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country
What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?
Juan Chu
What did the Mexican say when he had the best time of his life?
Taco about a good time.
Why can't Mexicans be firemen?
They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b
What do you call a dinosaur with a sombrero?
Tyranosaurus-Mex.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's?
Because it says no trespassing
What do you need for a Mexican booty call?
Netflix and Chilled gazpacho.
How do you break up a Mexican party?
Call Nine Juan Juan.
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
They are too short to get into any other type of car.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a tire?
It depends on how many need to get out of the trunk first.
What do you call a Mexican in a Chinese Restaurant?
A Juantan
Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team?
Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!
If the ocean was whiskey, and the sand was cocaine, I'd be in Mexico feeling no pain
I'm starting a Mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends. We'll call ourselves "Juan Direction."
My Latino friend was angry I made a Mexican joke, so I said "Lets taco bout it."
This Mexican dude was taking a pee on the side of a building and this Texan sees him. After the Mexican is done the texan bloke asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?" The Mexican smiles, "Senior, we Mexicans don't **** in our hands..."
Mexican Wedding A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
Drunk Mexican I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said "You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow.
The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?" I bought him a round....
Four Amigos There was a Britsh man, a Saudi Arabian man, a Texan and a Mexican. They where all on a plane and it started to shake and the pilot said we have hit bad turbelance some of you is going to have to jump out. So the Saudi Arabian man said "For the King" and jumped out. Then the Britsh man said "For the Queen" and he too jumped out. Then the Texan said "For the Alamo" and kicked the Mexican out of the plane.
Smart *** Mexican It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv." But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 05-03-2019 at 06:44 PM.
I swear that this actually happened to me on Tuesday when I went in to pick up my glasses.
The woman that waited on me noticed that I had a screw missing on my glasses.
With out hesitating she asked me if I wanted a screw.
The other sales lady noticed at the same time as I did!
I swear that this actually happened to me on Tuesday when I went in to pick up my glasses.
The woman that waited on me noticed that I had a screw missing on my glasses.
With out hesitating she asked me if I wanted a screw.
The other sales lady noticed at the same time as I did!
I swear that this actually happened to me on Tuesday when I went in to pick up my glasses.
The woman that waited on me noticed that I had a screw missing on my glasses.
With out hesitating she asked me if I wanted a screw.
The other sales lady noticed at the same time as I did!
The last time my eyeglass woman asked me if I wanted a screw in she charged me double.
05-02-2019, 09:29 PM
(@&@) FRIDAY FUNNIES MAY 3rd - CINCO DE MAYO (@Y@)
......by the way, no snow here, but still unseasonably cool for May.
