Kerrmudgeon

Good morning all youze guys and dolls! I hope you are all keeping well in these troubled times. Wear your masks!
Let's see if we can get a great turnout for the weekly laugh fest this week. Laughter is the best medicine.
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And....some funny/interesting gifs from next door........


















And some I've found over the last week.......



A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"
"Speaking," said the farmer.



Little rotten Johnny .........
Upon Little Johnny's graduation his Aunt gave him a graduation present.
Little Johnny: "Thank you so much Aunt Vera for this present."
Aunt Vera: "Oh, that's nothing to thank me for."
Little Johnny: "That's what I thought but mother told me to thank you just the same."



As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"



Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."



Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be ******* her up the ***!"



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."



Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"




A major network is planning the show "Survivor" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

Kerrmudgeon

Not really a joke but coooooool!.

GENERAL MOTORS BILLBOARDS IN DETROIT

These are actual billboards in Detroit , Michigan put up by GM. This is definitely cool!





































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I love the oldies.
What an Ad company winner, especially the 'cup holder' one, for those of you old enough to remember.....LOL!

Kerrmudgeon

Like the guy says.....I'm not racist!....I insult everyone equally.

What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all ************* ain't gonna believe dis ****!"



Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask. Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white." Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."



Q: How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house? A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.



On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.



Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.



Saw this bumper sticker in L.A. - "I'm not drunk, I'm Asian"



My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.

If you drop your phone in water, put it in a bowl of rice. Overnight an Asian will come to your house, fix the phone, eat the rice and then run away.



Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”



Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.



Do not be racist , be like Mario. He's an italian plumber, made by Japanese people, who speaks english, looks like a mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a jew!

roadster65

You Tube

You Tube

Ron-C2

. . .











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Kerrmudgeon

Remember, if it ain't FUNNY, don't post it! ^^^^^^.

I remember driving south through Georgia one year and stopped for gas. I had to take only a partial fillup due to the GIANT mosquitoes attacking me. I had to giggle when I saw this sign......

GUSTO14

vetintheblood

Kelley

Call it a sign of the times, I don't know but I think a few of the posts today are over the racial line. These jokes should be for everybody.

jerry gollnick

agreed

warrenmj

plaidside

HARD WORK...

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

- What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

- Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

- What your name? –Asks the Director.

- John Smith H.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

- Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

- Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

- Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

- We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:

- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars

pmvette

63 340HP

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun," so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What the hell is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree' n dirty tree' n dirty tree - dat's 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!"

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"











Churchill:

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

"Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it."

"I am easily satisfied with the very best."

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

"For myself I am an optimist—it does not seem to be much use to be anything else."

"Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught."

"I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod."

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."

"We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy."

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

"Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time."

"A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen."

"Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains."

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy."

"We contend that for a nation to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."

"A sheep in sheep's clothing." (On Clement Atlee)

"Continuous effort—not strength or intelligence—is the key to unlocking our potential."










There was a gentleman who went to a hostel to ask if any ladies would like to go for a ride in his boat up the river ,one lady replied that she would love to go up the river with the gentleman and he said he would bring a bottle of wine two glasses and some chicken sandwichs ,they got in the boat and they headed up the river and when the gentleman got to the fork in the river he said to the lady Up or Down at which time the lady ripped of her clothes and then ripped of the gentleman clothes and they made love later they dressed the gentleman took the lady back to the hostel and arranged to meet again

On the next boat cruise he again came to the fork in the river and ask the lady Up or Down she replied up

He said last time I asked you ,you ripped of our clothes and we made love ,the lady replied I didn't have my hearing aids I thought you said **** or Drown











During a recent outing in Home Town a woman squeezed a little time off, to visit an astrologer of some local repute.

In the semi-dark, hazy room, peering into his mystic chart arranged with cowrie shells and consulting dog-eared books, the astrologer delivered the grave news.

'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.'

Stunned & visibly shaken, the woman stared at the astrologer's impassive face and then looked down to her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the astrologer's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I be acquitted?'

Kerrmudgeon

Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."



Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."



An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

GUSTO14

Kerrmudgeon

Y'all remember the great Johnathon Winters?........and Jack Parr.
Then you're at least as old as ME!

toddalin

63 340HP

Kerrmudgeon

This one just in from Sammy K.


No NURSING HOME FOR ME!!!!

No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into a MARRIOTT!

With the average cost for nursing home care being $275.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble .
I've already checked on reservations at
The FAIRFIELD.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $79.00 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours
In the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,
Gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up
(if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of
The nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Marriott will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Marriott to Marriott, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii ? They have COURTYARD there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Mariott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . .
Or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation.

The grand-kids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age,
I'll face it with a grin.





AIDS WARNING!
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)