MAD IN NC

Guess what happening on Saturday... No guess.....
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It's National Short People Tossing Day this Saturday. Be sure to wear your masks when participating




anyway, here we go again -> the Friday Funnies! Let's get the contributions up!

Here we go, with GIF's from William
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MAD IN NC

I HAD IT ALL….

LIFE IS SHORT, SO DRINK THE GOOD WINE FIRST

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? ,Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no...

"I was paroled".









The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do..with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo *****."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little ***** like you."











How do you surprise a blind guy.

You leave the plunger in the toilet.














Chocolate Layer Cake 1040EZ

If Recipes were like tax forms....

* Line 1.

Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

* Line 2.

Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

* Line 3.

Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

* Line 4.

Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

* Line 5a.

Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

*Line 5b.

Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

*Line 5c.

Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

* Line 6.

Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

* Line 7.

Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

* Line 8.

Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.

*Line 8a.

Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

* Line 9.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

* Line 10.

Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

* Line 11.

Add vanilla.

* Line 12.

In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

* Line 13.

Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

* Line 14.

Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

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Amal and Juan

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Grudges

My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.

Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."

And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"

So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."

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Learning From Teachers

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

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I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

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I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

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On a hot summer day there were two boys playing by a stream.

One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.

He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.

So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.

The second boy said to his friend, “My mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”

“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

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An Irishman walks out of a bar

No, seriously. It can happen

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"

"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"

"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Dave asks Francis for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now ******** Dave's missus. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to ***, I'm going to ***!"

Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a ******* towel!"

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​​​​​​​An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his
back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

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MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Vitaminmopar

toddalin

63 340HP

Roger Walling

1. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
2. Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
3. How do you throw a space party? You planet!
4. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
5. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
6. I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves!
7. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
8. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
9. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
10. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
11. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
12. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
13. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
14. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
15. What are shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!
16. If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
17. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
18. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
19. It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
20. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
21. Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
22. Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
23. What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!
24. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
25. I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

GUSTO14

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke.
Go ahead and try it.....


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered??


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?(taxes)


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

warrenmj

toddalin

Yes, this has actually been through court. A dead person will let you use the carpool lane, but not an unborn child (i.e., pregnant lady alone).

Because both songs are actually Baa Baa Black Sheep.

Why did you just try singing that?

Kerrmudgeon

Hey everybody! ....nice to see a few posters and Mike's long list of funnies.

I found a few things tonight that made me giggle.

Always remember to help others, next time it could be you who needs help....


Canadian content.....


Ingenious!


Rednect fun....


Chinese firewood making......


Parenthood fails....



Halloween every day!

Kerrmudgeon

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"



A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"



Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just **** yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed **** myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."



Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly.....
Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.



Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs.....
Comedy's a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

toddalin

Kerrmudgeon

Happy halloweeny! .........



Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid ****?
A: A jack-***-o-lantern.



Q: What’s the Cause of Death when the gigantic prize winning pumpkin crushed a man to death?
A: He was gourd to death.



I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
Forget the stupid ships! My lighthouse, my rules!



Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they like to eat the fingers separately.



Did you hear about the man that was killed when a two ton pumpkin fall on him?
He was squashed.



I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. Their were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months…if I have time.



Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire.
Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.



1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
2020: Dracula dies of hunger.



What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
They both go down for The Count



......

toddalin