5. “Q: Why don’t witches have babies?

A: Their husbands have crystal *****.”

#6. “Q: Why do the witches hate hanging out with the headless horseman?

A: He’s obsessed with getting head.”

#7. “Q: Why do witches wear no panties?

A: For better grip on the broom.”

 

 

 

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days
later hereceives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you
will bejust right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,
sohe writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another
parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look
the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
hewrites a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrupover your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a
toffeeapple














ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the f#ck alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important
unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a car payment.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away,
and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how tofish, he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it may have been well worth it.

10. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot ofthat comes from bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women.
Neither one works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative at the same time.












Deaf couple get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution.

"Honey." She signs. "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left Breast one time.

If you don't want to have Sex, reach over and squeeze my right Breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his Wife. "Great idea! Now if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and pull on my ***** one time. And if you don't want to have Sex, reach over and pull on my ***** fifty times."















A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."