My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang!

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody." "It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter. The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"

True story.....Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS

, SouthCarolina bikers were riding East on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says"Hey Baby . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown

President and CEO

WalMart Complaint Department
________________________________________
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2021: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. November 23, 2021: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. December 10, 2021: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. December 23, 2021: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” ….. and watched what happened.

5. January 10, 2022: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

6. January 23, 2022: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. Feburary 15, 2022: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. March 5, 2022: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. March 26, 2022: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. April 2, 2022: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. April 15, 2022: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. April 26, 2022: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. May 1, 2022: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”

14. May 12, 2022: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!!”

And last, but not least, just today….

15. May 16, 2022: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”


Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i said to my guests, "Let's play a game of chance. One cup of tea has no sugar, who ever gets it will take us all for dinner tonight."

The result?

All guests claimed they had never tasted such sweet tea!
January wisdom, thank me later.

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my duties. A log entry like this could hurt my chances of career advancement".

And the captain says, "First Officer, the log entry is factually correct. If the facts aren't as you'd like them, they should have been different facts, and the consequences are on your own head."

The First Officer falls silent and carries on with his duties. At the end of his watch he is relieved by the Captain, and before leaving the bridge he makes the following entry: "January 2nd: Captain Frobisher arrived on the bridge sober today."

 

 

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's not a big deal in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."











Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night.

After several drinks that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!












Yanks Canucks Poms and Aussies

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing patriots to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

 

1. The Jigsaw Puzzle:

Joe lives next door to a slightly dotty old lady in her 90s named Mabel.

One day Joe gets a phone call from Mabel and she says to him, “Joe, can you please come over and help me? I’ve got a complicated jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

So Joe thinks for a second and then he asks Mabel, “What’s the picture meant to be when it’s finished, Mabel?”

“The picture on the box is a rooster,” Mabel responds.


he’s busy but Mabel’s a dear old lady, so he decides to go over to help her.

Mabel welcomes Joe and escorts him into her dining room where the box and its contents are all over her dining table.

Joe surveys the situation in front of him and then he turns to Mabel and says, “Mabel, I have to tell you, there’s no way we’ll be assembling these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
“Why’s that Joe?” Mable asks.

Joe smiles benevolently and then says, “Mabel, why don’t you make me a nice cup of tea.”

“OK Joe,” says Mabel with a smile.

And then Joe sighs deeply and says, “While you’re making the tea, I’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

3. Cure for coughing:

Johnny was a clerk in a drugstore but he really wasn’t very good at his job. However hard he tried, he could never find the item the customer wanted.

His boss, Bert, had really had enough of him and he gave Johnny a warning that unless he started making sales immediately, he’d have to let him go.



As luck would have it, within minutes, a man walks into the drugstore with a cough and he asks Johnny for their best cough syrup.Though he tried hard, Johnny couldn’t find the cough syrup. However, with Bert’s warning still ringing in his ears, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax with the recommendation that he consumes the contents all at once.

The customer did as he was told and then walked into the street and promptly leaned up against a lamppost.

Now Bert had been observing Johnny’s performance from afar and he came over and asked him what had transpired.

“Well boss, he wanted cough syrup but I couldn’t find it, so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take them all at once,” said Johnny.

“That’s absurd! Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough,” Bert reacted angrily.

“Sure it will,” said Johnny. “Look at him now, leaning on that lamppost. He’s too afraid to cough.”

. The nudist beach:

Three men were visiting a nudist beach and it wasn’t long before they were engaged in conversation. Two of the men looked very happy to be there whilst the other man looked a little glum.

Naturally, their conversation quickly gravitated to a discussion about their respective jobs.

“I work on Wall Street,” said the first man smiling. “It’s well-paid work but the dress code is very formal and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie every day. So this is a perfect vacation for me. I have the freedom to relax, feeling completely unrestrained.”

The second man smiled and said, “I with you there buddy. I’m a deep-sea diver and I’m usually weighed down with a diver’s suit, lead boots and a brass helmet. Being here on this beach is real freedom for me.”

The two men then looked at their unhappy companion and asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a pickpocket,” said the man,

Stranger in town:

The journey on horseback from Waco to Fort Worth is a long ride along a dusty trail and for any cowboy, it’s thirsty work.

So when George passed through a small town along the way he decided to stop at the saloon for a cold beer to quench his thirst.

Well, the locals were none too friendly to strangers passing through their town and George could sense a negative vibe immediately, as he tied up his horse to the post before walking through the saloon doors.
When he’d finished his beer, George walked outside and he was non-too-happy to discover that someone had stolen his horse.

So he walked back into the bar, drew his gun from its holster, spun it around his finger in impressive fashion, and then shot a bullet straight through a whisky bottle standing at the other end of the long bar.

The place went silent and you could hear a pin drop, until George shouted, “Now which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”

No one said anything. The place was deadly quiet.
George shouted menacingly, “Now you listen to me! I’m gonna sit here and have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’ve finished my drink then I’m gonna do what I dun in Waco. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun in Waco.”

The locals shifted nervously in their seats. They didn’t like strangers much but they liked trouble even less.

So when George had finished his beer, he looked outside and sure enough there was his horse tied to the post and waiting for him.

George saddled up and then started to ride slowly along Main Street.

The bartender had wandered outside and stood and watched George go.

“Hey partner,” said the bartender, “so what happened in Waco?”

George smiled and said, “I had to walk home!”