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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation:

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says. "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says. "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again. "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again. "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.

When he returns, he says again. "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says. "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"













A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a **** first."









Corporate Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don t pay enough to expect that you ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you re old, fat or ugly you ll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You ll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

 

Nobel Prize

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris
standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's
happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me
what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?'
enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in
their field.'

Barbara's Pie - Strange Story

Barbara, during her nurse's
training at a hospital just outside Washington, DC, had little money for meals, so she often
resorted to the food provided at the hospital refectory, even though she had a great dislike for its rather bland taste.

Barbara often took her breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would
give her some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

On one particular evening an English woman, from the East end of London, brought a home made pie to the kitchen and
said to Barbara, 'Would you eat this up, love?'

Barbara and her student friend devoured every last delicious crumb.

Soon their benefactor returned, however, and asked, 'Is me 'usband's
pie 'ot yet, dearie?'

Food for Thought?

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist, Tony, complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. 'Not very long,' answered
Gener,
the fisherman.

'Then why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?' asked Tony. Gener explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Tony inquired, 'But what
do you do with the rest of your time?'

'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the
guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.'

Tony interrupted rather rudely, 'I have a Business Studies degree and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can sell the extra
fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat, catch even more fish. With the extra money you will soon be able to buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Cancun,
Acapulco, Los Angeles, or even New York City. From there you can direct your huge enterprise.'

'How long would that take?' wondered Gener, the Mexican fisherman. 'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,'
replied Tony condescendingly. 'And after that?' Gener asked.

'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the sea, sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandchildren, take a
siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings in the village, dancing, playing the guitar, and singing with your friends.'

Lesson in employee relationship

...(vidFL2)Steve Cleary was in his early 50's, retired and had started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes
late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.

'Steven, I have to tell you, I like
your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'

'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Steve.

'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team
player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'

Reginald's
New Diet

Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

'I want you to
eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds, 'his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he
shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

'Why, that's
amazing, 'the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'

Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what
though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'

'Why, from hunger?'
asked his doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'


Out of the hat. Ron was walking down the street when he met a small boy. Ron asked his name.

The lad replied, 'Six and seven-eighths.'

Ron looked puzzled and asked him why his parents
had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, 'Oh, they just picked it out of a hat.'

 

1. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

1. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your ***** is bigger than your brother's."

1. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

1. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

1. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a ***** flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a **** like that!"

 

 

Economy tip:

Just saved $25000.00 on a battery replacement.
Because my car runs on Gas!
Follow me for more tips

 

 

A few people have sent to me about men's decorating skills, and a couple of funnies......















Meanwhile in Canada.......

 

 

 

Regarding the "object" that was shot down yesterday, I hope that you guys remember that we saw this and actually posted pics of it back in 2017 when Trump was President.

This has been tracked up and down the west coast for years, and we reported it as a UFO as did someone else the same day!

 

They don't shoot down UFO's . You should have reported it as a weather balloon.

 

Red zepplin !