WOMEN WHO DRINK:



Drink: Beer

Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.



Drink: Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ***.

Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.



Drink: Mixed drinks - no umbrellas eg; Scotch and dry

Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.

Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. . . . .



Drink: Water

Personality : Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Approach : Don't.



Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)

Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.



Drink: Bacardi Breezer, Lemon Ruskie, West Coast Cooler, etc

Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.

Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.



Drink: Baileys

Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.



Drink: Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)

Personality : Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.

Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.




* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

IF MEN DRINK....

(As always, very simple and clear cut)



Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.


Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.


Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid .


Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.


Water : He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth and still wants to get laid .


Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a Sophisticated image and help him get laid.


Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would **** a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.


Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.


Whisky : He doesn't give two ¤hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.


Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into getting laid.


Rum or Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.


Bacardi Breezer, Lemon Ruskie, West Coast Cooler etc : He's gay (Blatantly) don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.











On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a naturopath rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he made an appointment and handed his ticket to the guy at the appointed time, wondering what he was up for.

The guy handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful stuff. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.