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God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he
wants to get into heaven.
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife
bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled
her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and made love to her right then
and there".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God....
The man replied: "They're not too happy about it in May Company either!"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourk e
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a numnut.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .
God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he
wants to get into heaven.
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife
bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled
her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and made love to her right then
and there".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God....
The man replied: "They're not too happy about it in May Company either!"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourk e
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a numnut.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .
Don't forget, Sperm Donor day is June 16th this year.
It's like Father's Day, but it comes a little early.
wo residents of an old folks home fall in love…..
June and Freddy. And they adore each other but they are too old and weak for sex. So the way they show affection is that each evening, June visits Freddy in his room, they sit side by side in their armchairs, and June just holds Freddy’s ***** in her hand while they watch TV. That’s their love life and they’re very happy.
Until one evening June heads to Freddy’s room and she sees that there is another woman sitting in HER armchair, and SHE is holding Freddy’s ***** in HER hand!! Shocked and hurt, June cries out “Freddy what are you doing? Why is SHE here? How could you? What has she got that I haven’t got?”
Freddy grins a sheepish grin, shrugs, and answers “Parkinson’s.”
If you like Indycar racing, this chart will be funny. If you like F1 you might want to change the topic. It shows the starting and finishing position of all the drivers in the Indianapolis 500 and Monaco F1 races. One can't help but notice that none of the ten fastest qualifiers was able to pass a single car during the entire race. As in, "Hey, Luigi, how come we spent a billion dollars this year and still can't pass anybody?" Only two drivers out of 18 were able to improve their position. In contrast, the Indy 500 was a passing zoo, maybe the best Indy 500 ever for action; only 4 drivers out of 33 finished in the same position they started.
If you like Indycar racing, this chart will be funny. If you like F1 you might want to change the topic. It shows the starting and finishing position of all the drivers in the Indianapolis 500 and Monaco F1 races. One can't help but notice that none of the ten fastest qualifiers was able to pass a single car during the entire race. As in, "Hey, Luigi, how come we spent a billion dollars this year and still can't pass anybody?" Only two drivers out of 18 were able to improve their position. In contrast, the Indy 500 was a passing zoo, maybe the best Indy 500 ever for action; only 4 drivers out of 33 finished in the same position they started.
Interesting chart, Louie! In the Indy race I, for one, was pulling for the driver who started 5th and finished 18th. He is a local boy, and years ago I used to watch him run and regularly win on the Placerville dirt track.
Interesting chart, Louie! In the Indy race I, for one, was pulling for the driver who started 5th and finished 18th. He is a local boy, and years ago I used to watch him run and regularly win on the Placerville dirt track.
Kyle Larson was one of the guys I was rooting for too. He was still voted Rookie of the Year at Indy, and if not for the speeding penalty on pit road he might have finished in the top 10.
good guy.
If you like Indycar racing, this chart will be funny. If you like F1 you might want to change the topic. It shows the starting and finishing position of all the drivers in the Indianapolis 500 and Monaco F1 races. One can't help but notice that none of the ten fastest qualifiers was able to pass a single car during the entire race. As in, "Hey, Luigi, how come we spent a billion dollars this year and still can't pass anybody?" Only two drivers out of 18 were able to improve their position. In contrast, the Indy 500 was a passing zoo, maybe the best Indy 500 ever for action; only 4 drivers out of 33 finished in the same position they started.
That's Monaco. A narrow track with no straights. Virtually nobody is ever going to pass and they know that going in.
[QUOTE=LouieM;1607862009]If you like Indycar racing, this chart will be funny. If you like F1 you might want to change the topic. It shows the starting and finishing position of all the drivers in the Indianapolis 500 and Monaco F1 races. One can't help but notice that none of the ten fastest qualifiers was able to pass a single car during the entire race. As in, "Hey, Luigi, how come we spent a billion dollars this year and still can't pass anybody?" Only two drivers out of 18 were able to improve their position. In contrast, the Indy 500 was a passing zoo, maybe the best Indy 500 ever for action; only 4 drivers out of 33 finished in the same position they started.
Going back over 45 years I used to race in SCCA. Back then one of the most competitive classes was Formula Ford (used a Cortina motor). It used to be great watching the fights and position swapping. Then Swift came out with a car that you HAD to have to be competitive. Once "everybody" had one that was the end of racing. Where most started was where most finished.
Not to defend Monaco because everybody and their dog knows going in that Monaco will be boring, it is virtually never not boring, but of the 649 overtakes at Indy, and I watched the whole race start to finish, none but maybe the last five meant anything. So that stat is highly misleading.
If the point of this is that the Indy 500 is better than the Monaco GP, well duh. Always was, always will be. By a mile. If the point is that Indycar racing is more entertaining than F1 then you'd have to look at the whole season to make that determination.
Designer Imagines A Corvette That Looks More Like a Corvette Than the Corvette
Slideshow: A Jaguar designer's personal project imagines what a modern front-engined Corvette might look like if Chevrolet revisited the golden age of the Stingray.
