Sign outside local dentist..........

 

 

Maybe white is not her color.

 

What did the restaurant waiter say when asked how they prepared the chicken?
"Nothing special. We simply tell them they're going to die."

 

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting. When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client,

"I have some good news and some bad news."

The client:"I've had an awful day.

Tell me the good news.""Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today.

She believes they are worth at least $3 million."

"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile.

"Good news indeed! You've made my day.


So what's the bad news?"

"The two pictures are of you having sex with your secretary."

















For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:
two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.















We're a pretty easy going mob in Australia, but here's a few do's and don'ts.

In General
1. Never take an open stubby (beer) to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them
3. It's tacky to take an Esky (beer cooler) to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your truck and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out
1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own car keys
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

At the movies
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance
3. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.