A young man wished to purchase a birthday present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show my affection for you on your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love

p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

You know what’s so great about this time of year?

You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room, and you don’t get any disgusted looks.


Why are Christmas trees better than men?

Even the small ones give satisfaction.



What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.



What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?

A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute *****, and looks good with the lights on.



Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

Some over achievers hang more than thier stockings up for Christmas.

 

 

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's
not a creep, One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be
annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.. Massage my feet as only he can.

Oh send a king to make me a queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac With big
**** who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send
me fishing and drinking....

I know this doesn't rhyme but I don't give a ****.

















Lost a good ol' mate recently
He overdosed on viagra,his wife took it hard.

All ya have to do to find out if a woman's angry
Is keep askin' her if she's angry.

New Zealand wasn't the first country to put man on the moon
Because they ran out of scaffold.

Never name your child shark
It would be a nightmare to call them when you're at the beach.

Lost a good mate and drinkin' partner last weekend in a tragic accident
Got his finger caught in a wedding ring.









'

Man says to wife:''I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today''.
wife says:''Ya shoulda showed 'em ya dick,we'd get dissability allowance''.

First year of marriage:The man speaks,wife listens.
2nd year:The woman speaks,man listens.
3rd year:They both speak,neighbours listen.

Chinese man rings boss:''Me no work,I sick''.
Boss says:''When I'm sick I **** my wife,....try that''.
2 hours later chinese man rings back:''Me better,you got nice house''.

Bloke calls 000.Cop says ''What's your emergency?''
Bloke says ''2 woman are fightin' over me''.
Cop says ''What's wrong with that?''
Bloke says ''The ugly one's winning!''

A man asks a genie to make him desirable and irresistable to women.
He turned him into a credit card.

 

The Sensitive man

A women meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place.
As he shows her around his apartment she notices one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft sweet teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bed room with hundreds of teddy bears carefully placed in rows ,covering the entire wall.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium bears the length of the middle shelf and enormous bears all the way along the top shelf.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention it to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking this guy could be the one.
Maybe he could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and lightly kisses him on the lips. He responds warmly and the passion builds.
He romantically lifts her in his arms and carries into his bedroom.
After an intense , explosive night of raw passion they are lying together in the after glow.
The women rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek looks deeply into her eyes and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

 

The flying Santa picture above reminds me; Do any of you old coots remember the Hertz TV ads from the 60s where the driver flies in and lands in the driver's seat?


Anyway, back then the president of Hertz had a vacation house in the same community as my parents. They were giving out these special Hertz Zippo lighters based on the ad and I remember them. When you flip the top down the driver lands in the car. Look what they are going for now on Ebay. Anybody remember them?


https://www.ebay.com/itm/37521491236...Bk9SR4rVmdv8ZA

 

That's pretty cool,to young to remember that, but it better be free shipping for that price.

 

 

 

 

 

Corvette Christmas© Todd Brody



T’was the night before Christmas, and in the garage,

The Corvette was covered, as was the Dodge;

And I had just drank and few beers to get high,

And hoped that Old Santa Claus soon would come by.



Vette owners were nestled all snug in their beds,

While fuelies and big blocks danced in their heads;

And I and my loved one, forever to keep,

Had both cuddled up for a long winter’s sleep.



When out on the street there came such a roar,

I sprang from the bed to see what’s in store.

I flew to the window and opened the blind,

Not knowing at all, what I would find.



The moon on the pavement shown like daylight below,

As wonder and amazement made my eyes grow,

For down on the street approaching the stoop,

Came a jolly old man in a split window coupe.



This little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

Faster than lightning, with engines he came,

And he honked and he flashed and called them by name:



Come small blocks, come big blocks, come Blue Flames, come fuelies;

With Holleys, with Carters, both singles and duelies;

To the top of the tach, redline one and all,

Now rev’em up, rev’em up, we gotta haul!



Like a tank full of nitro will make a car fly,

When the blower is set with the boost up to high;

So up the driveway the split window flew,

Loaded with parts and accessories too.



The paint on the glass, such sparkle, such shine,

The chrome, smooth as silk, the leather so fine.

The wheels so wide, the tires so fat,

A space-saver spare, in case of a flat.



The tips of the pipes were shiny and clean,

The windows were smoked, the glass such a sheen.

With features and options and power galore,

And zero to sixty in just two-point-four.



And then from the drive, the sound of a cough,

Like that from a fuelie when the ignition’s turned off.

He then set the brake and flipped in the lights,

Just as he does all Christmas Eve nights.



He was dressed in red leather, with fur up above,

A ’63 Vette on his right driving glove.

Parts and accessories slung on his back,

A multitude more in the coupe in a sack.



He looked like old Duntov, a jolly old man,

With hair white as snow, a Miami tan;

Such gleam in his eye, such spring in his walk,

As quick as a cheetah, with eyes like a hawk.



He spoke not a word but went straight to work,

Opened the garage, with one quick easy jerk.

New pistons and rings, two overbores larger,

And even a hemi to speed up the Charger.



He sprang to his coupe, threw his sack in the rear,

Brought up the revs, and dropped it in gear;

And I heard him call out as he peeled out of sight,

Happy Vetting to all, and to all a good night.