During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

During a church service, a grandfather leans over to his wife and whispers, “I just let out a fart. It was silent. What should I do now?”
Grandma answers, “You need to change the batteries in your hearing aid.”

"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.
Then my mom hid the urn from me.

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P.
He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

My grandpa’s so cheap, when he dies, he’ll probably walk towards the light – and turn it off.

Grandpa Always told me:
"Find a woman who is smart. Find a woman who is great in bed. Find a woman who loves you for who you are. And make sure none of these women ever meet."


My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open…
Which is probably why his submarine sank.

My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork.
He says you can't do that nowadays, way too many security cameras.

My grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew Y.

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's not a big deal in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

















Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night.

After several drinks that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

 

 

 

 

God help America