BACK HOME AT LAST!

Looks unlikely, but you never know.

 

 

 

Teensiest 50 cal rounds ever

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I am slowly getting over it.

* * * * *
I also have a fear of negative numbers.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

* * * * *

My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked my doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

* * * * *
My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first, I’ve got to want to help myself.

* * * * *

I told my therapist I have a fear of people asking me about ejaculation.

She asked “how come?”

* * * * *

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears.

I was afraid that she’d ask that.

* * * * *

I have this weird irrational fear of two letter words.

I get extremely scared, just thinking about ‘it’.

* * * * *

The swordfish has no natural predators which to fear.

Except the penfish which is supposed to be even mightier.

* * * * *

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear:

Is sphere, itself.











I went to watch a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing; I never saw her lips move once



A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"Youll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"















Return of the Blondes


Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde
says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even
higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just
$10 worth."

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One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing
convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a
big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of
trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I
used them to patch the hole."

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at
that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

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A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls
of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next
door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in
size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2
rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A
neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second
horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other
horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When
she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black one.

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Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that
be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one.”

 

I remember when we got rid of paper bags and went plastic to save trees. 😂

 

a blonde dials 911 to report a fire
the dispatcher asked for the address
the blond asks why they need the address
the dispatcher replies, how will the firemen get to the fire
the blond replies, well, duh, big red truck......