Tools Explained
Thread Starter
Race Director
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 16,483
Likes: 1
From: The Only Corvette in Gila Bend, Az.
St. Jude Donor '09
Tools Explained
It's been a couple of years since I posted this (3/2003), and theres a lot of new members now.
So here once again is:
Tools Explained
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you’re drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
***FootNote added by: Larry.B
IF you get really high quality ones, (like the kind you find at flea markets), they will slip just at the right time, saving the bolt from being rounded off but pinching you fingers between the handles
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
PHONE: Tool for calling your wife. Useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the her had, and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold…and it might not…..not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
Added by Clutchdust:
Trouble LIght: (or drop light) can also be used as a cauterizing tool to seal open wounds. the heat generated radiates into the light deflector/cauterizing element capable of inflicting 3rd degree burns and permanently closing any laceration.
Added by Cali69,L-79 or 77 or ???
DREMEL: Electrical tool used to accelerate wire wheels or cutting disc's to ludicrous speed that tend to break off without warning and impale themselves into the operator's chest, family jewels etc.
Added by BSeery:
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats covers and new carpet set and new leather jackets.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
***FootNote added by FASGLAS:
Closely related to the TUBING cutter which functions similarly.
Added by Gator81:
Crescent Wrench - Frequently used when lacking the ambition to find the right wrench for the job. Adjusts to fit nearly any bolt, but only accepts enough torque to loosen bolts about to fall out of their mooring anyway. Excels at gradually opening during use, rounding off bolt heads and causing deeply skinned knuckles.
Shop Rag - A grease-saturated cotton scrap, frequently used to make the inevitable tourniquet.
Hydraulic Engine Hoist - Theoretically used to remove engines. However, it is designed so that at "full lift" the top arm hits the garage rafter. This is unfortunate, for as the engine is removed, the unloaded suspension causes the car to rise, thwarting any effort to roll the engine clear of the car.
Friends and Relatives - Used to sit on front fenders of car, compressing suspension until engine on hoist will clear core support.
So here once again is:
Tools Explained
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you’re drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
***FootNote added by: Larry.B
IF you get really high quality ones, (like the kind you find at flea markets), they will slip just at the right time, saving the bolt from being rounded off but pinching you fingers between the handles
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
PHONE: Tool for calling your wife. Useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the her had, and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold…and it might not…..not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
Added by Clutchdust:
Trouble LIght: (or drop light) can also be used as a cauterizing tool to seal open wounds. the heat generated radiates into the light deflector/cauterizing element capable of inflicting 3rd degree burns and permanently closing any laceration.
Added by Cali69,L-79 or 77 or ???
DREMEL: Electrical tool used to accelerate wire wheels or cutting disc's to ludicrous speed that tend to break off without warning and impale themselves into the operator's chest, family jewels etc.
Added by BSeery:
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats covers and new carpet set and new leather jackets.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
***FootNote added by FASGLAS:
Closely related to the TUBING cutter which functions similarly.
Added by Gator81:
Crescent Wrench - Frequently used when lacking the ambition to find the right wrench for the job. Adjusts to fit nearly any bolt, but only accepts enough torque to loosen bolts about to fall out of their mooring anyway. Excels at gradually opening during use, rounding off bolt heads and causing deeply skinned knuckles.
Shop Rag - A grease-saturated cotton scrap, frequently used to make the inevitable tourniquet.
Hydraulic Engine Hoist - Theoretically used to remove engines. However, it is designed so that at "full lift" the top arm hits the garage rafter. This is unfortunate, for as the engine is removed, the unloaded suspension causes the car to rise, thwarting any effort to roll the engine clear of the car.
Friends and Relatives - Used to sit on front fenders of car, compressing suspension until engine on hoist will clear core support.
Le Mans Master
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 7,186
Likes: 45
From: detroit area
a sawzall.... a reciprocating saw used to cut bolts from hard to reach places..i.e. t-arms/tie rods a mulitiple amount of blades are used that are irrelavant to the project described..i.e. wood blade for steel. this tool also has a mind to where it will decided to bend your blade when least expected and the operator will hammer the blade flat not realizing that he/she has now flattened the teeth and therefore the blade is 17.4% usefull....(percentage is based from the average of anger multipled by the time of day with addition of beverages..... beer is 5,water is 1, ice tea is 8 (due to sugar)). cordless sawzalls are pointless and should only be used in house renovation work. no sales tax if you live in guam...
b
b
Burning Brakes
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 826
Likes: 0
From: Pearl MS
Oh God I cant stop laughing. It is all so true and I think it has all happened to me. Including the oily rag turnicate.
Except the engine hoist deal, I did not have any body that could come over - had to pull the tires off the car and drop it all the way down on the jack and then try and roll the car out from under the motor & hoist.
Senior Member since 1492
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 87,930
Likes: 156
From: Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me...
St. Jude Donor '09
phone: also used to dial 911 when you knock over the can of bolts your trying to clean by soaking them in gasoline and accidently ignite with a propane torch your using to loosen another rusty bolt!
Team Owner
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 88,393
Likes: 2
From: eville in
Originally Posted by Star79
Before NASCAR got big (and family friendly) a pit guy was pounding out the fender of a wrecked car with a big hammer, and the announcer said that he was using "the Mexican Speed Wrench".
or BFH and Ford calibrated
Thread Starter
Race Director
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 16,483
Likes: 1
From: The Only Corvette in Gila Bend, Az.
St. Jude Donor '09
Originally Posted by skydaddy
Except the engine hoist deal, I did not have any body that could come over - had to pull the tires off the car and drop it all the way down on the jack and then try and roll the car out from under the motor & hoist.
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