DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog doo-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

 

That was good!!! Thanks the people here a work are wondering what I am chuckleing about..

 

Are you living in my garage?

 

Loved it. Good work!!

 

i had to email that list to a couple of friends. that was great. now lets see how long it takes for it make a big loop and one of yall get it.

 

One more (gained from experience on the weekend)...

BATTERY CHARGER: Purchased for the express purpose of charging lead/acid accumulators & will look clean & user friendly on purchase. On attempt of first use, it will be found that at least one of the croc clips will have mysteriously parted from it's wire. This clip will drop to the floor in an awkward corner when the charger is removed from its original packing. Bending down to retrieve said clip will result in a fairly high speed collision between the users head & table of DRILL PRESS (as described above).

 

That's Awesome

 

That was one of the funniest messsages posted in a long time. I laughed out loud a few times as I read it.

Nice job!

 

Ok, I'll add another
The open end wrench commonly know as the"Knuckle Buster" that will normally remove the skin on all four knuckles by hitting the hardest thing in the area of the bolt or nut you're trying to remove when it slips from the nut or bolt shortly after making a circle out of a hexagon.

 

Man I wish I was in the same garage as you guys....entertainment for hours!!! That was hysterical....and oh so true.

 

Don't forget the 4 foot section of 2 inch pipe... Indispensable for all manner of uses such as;

1. Mechanical advantage for breaking torque, or....
2. Snapping 3/4 and 1" drive breaker bars
3. Wringing guts out of ratchets
4. Rolling off table, striking edge of pan of freshly drained HOT motor oil,

and launching said oil onto, into or over

• Open Chilton's
• Lap
• Lunch
• Last bundle of clean shop rags
• Snoozing Dog...
• Todays unread newspaper
• 20 year old Playboy Mag
• Wife holding trouble light....(see item 16 above)

GUSTO

 

You forgot the large color T.V. off to the corner of my garage.
So I can pretend I'm working to avoid honey do's.

 

These posts are the funniest things I have read all day . This is great. The girls in the office who read them just didn't understand what was so funny.

Soldering Iron:

Tool commonly used for joining two pieces of electrical conductive material together using a lead/tin bonding agent. This tool reaches high temperatures, and will retain thermal energy long after it is unpluged causing numerous explitives to be uttered, beer to be wasted, and scaring for life.

 

Glad you guys enjoyed 'em...

My dad sent it to me, and I started reading, and said, "Yup...I've got pretty much all of these tools in my garage, and have used them in most of the manner described..."

 

Man and I thought starting off slow was the way to go. I'll be up all night checking my list to see what I do and don't have off your list. I guess thats why I have to prioritize But, thanks for giving me things to look forward to.

 

My contribution. Mr Skin Grafter: used to replace the layers of tissue abandoned while removing them sumbich fasteners and high temp parts.

 

That was really good. I laughed out loud so much that I woke up the wife.
Thanks for sharing.

 

Aw, there's always room for more tools:

SAFETY GLASSES: Eye protection to be worn only after carefully picking that metal shaving out of your eye, or after putting a band-aid over the cut that came half an inch from blinding you when the wire wheel fired a small screw into your forehaed.

UNIVERSAL or SWIVEL ADAPTER: Attatches at any point between your rathcet or impact and the socket to insure that you'll never keep the socket on that impossibly located nut or bolt. For best results, use with one or more long extensions and a high powered impact and watch in amazement at all the thing a spinning chrome extension can take out in less than three seconds!

SAWZALL: Like a hacksaw with it's own built-in muscles. Swiftly cuts through expensive cables, hoses and sheetmetal in the general vicinity of the part you were aiming at.

CREEPER: Flat board with small wheels and casters that allows you to find evry crack, pebble and bolt on your garage floor as you try to drag yourself under the car. Steering is controlled entirely by fate and the condition of your floor. A bonus use for this tool is to lay you out flat on the floor when you step on it while carrying your assembled intake and carb(s) the the bench.

METRIC SOCKETS: Ideal for pounding onto rounded off or rusty bolts when no known SAE sized socket will work. Entirely disposable, so feel free to break them or permanently join them to said rusty or rounded-off bolt head.

TOP DRAWER OF TOOLBOX: Storage space for pizza coupons, assorted seals and small gaskets, Hot Wheels cars, dead bugs, loose change, beer bottle caps, keys to cars you no longer own, pens that don't write, calculators with dead batteries and good batteries that don't fit your flashlight, along with several other important small items you feel the need to keep handy in this otherwise unused drawer.

BENCH VISE: Used primarily to crush valuable parts or to put nice gouges in others. Can also be used to securely hold any part you will soon destroy with any given combination of other tools.

TORQUE WRENCH: Handy bar used for gaining the leverage required to break bolts off in their holes with the neat bonus feature of being able to indicate just how much torque it took to break that bolt. Can also be used as a hammer, crowbar, or self defense weapon in a pinch.

 

Car ramps: tool commonly used to place 2 parallel blacks marks on garage floor by placing in front of wheels and using vehicle to push forward several feet.


Drip Pan: large, square piece of sheet metal commonly placed under vehicle and can be identified by the generous amounts of oil located just outside the border of said device.

 

A misguided measuring tape- you measure mark and cut , the piece is to
short . measure again, mark-cut the piece is still too short .