What's the difference between my wife and my Corvette.....


I can fix what's wrong with my Corvette.

 

Carol's Vette had a dead battery in her garage and she called her mechanics shop. Since she had to go to work she told the manager, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the Vette, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the mechanic arrived at Wanda's he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the floor watching the mechanic go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the mechanic couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

This guy gets to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter says, "Now wait just a moment, before I let you in, I need to ask you, have you ever done anything to put others first, or defended the weak or innocent, things like that?"

The man answers, "why yes, I saw this man with a Corvette by the side of the road, and he was yelling at his wife, and threatening her, so I walked up to him and screamed at him to leave her alone, and if he didn't I'd kick his head like this.... and I kicked a huge place on his driver's door on that Corvette".

Saint Peter answers, "Wow, that's pretty good, when did you do that?"

The man answers, "Oh, about 4 minutes ago".

 

 

Does everyone know what a Missouri tornado and a divorce have in common?

Neither do I but some guy is probably losing his vette!

 

Not a joke, but a ture story.

When I was in HS, a guy that was 2-3 years older than me had vette, I think it was '77. He received a speeding ticket and told all of us that he was going to get out of it by fighting it in Court and that he had a good excuse...

Well, the dumb a$$ went to court, and told the judge that he had just washed it, and was just drying it off when he got the ticket.

I heard the judge just laughed at him, and made pay.

 

whats the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?


****** on the outside of the porcupine.

 

Mechanics Tools Dictionary

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month-old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

JESUS CLIP: "Jesus" everytime you drop one of these.

 

One more old one...............

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.

''How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?'' the guy in the Corvette asks.

The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, ''MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!

 

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

*1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

*14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

*7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

*1 to move it to the Lighting section

*2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

*7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

*5 to flame the spell checkers

*3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

*6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

*2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

*15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

*19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

*11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

*36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

*7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

*4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

*3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

*13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

*5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

*4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

*13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

*1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

love it bob....

and cant help but admit - i am guilty of a lot of that!

 

 

so true

 

HAHAH what an idiot :P

would have worked if the judge was a vette driver

 

Ten Rules for a Corvette Owner...

1. Always stop and lend assistance to other Corvette owners.

2. Never take your Corvette out if there’s a chance of inclement weather for the next 24 hours.

3. Always clean and polish your Corvette before any Sunday ride, no matter how short it is.

4. Never let anyone eat, drink or smoke in your Corvette.

5. Always make sure all occupants clean their shoes and lift them over the door sill moldings when entering your Corvette.

6. Never let any gas station attendant clean your windows, check your oil or put gas in your Corvette.

7. Always park your Corvette away from other cars in a lot or take up at least two parking spaces.

8. Never let anyone else drive your Corvette, even if it’s to move it a few feet.

9. Always take your Corvette to a reputable shop to have any work done or do it yourself if you can.

10. Never let another Corvette pass without a wave of acknowledgment, for you both know that you are driving the most unique automobile ever built anywhere.

 

The Corvette is my Shepherd
I shall not want.

It maketh me burnout on black pavements.
It leadeth me beside busy freeways.

It restoreth my soul.

It leads me in the path of quickness,
for it's names sake.

Yea though I walk through the valley of rice
I shall fear no turbo
For torque art with me.

Thy Rod and Thy Piston comfort me.

Thou preparest a track for me
In the presence of my enemys.

Thou has appointed my bearings with Oil.

My car overpowers.

Surely traction and victory shall follow me.

All the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of power, Forever.

Amen.

*

 

'Twas the night before Christmas
And in the garage.
There wasn't a trace of an Audi or Dodge.
The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,
So I figured I'd go mess with my Corvette for a bit.

I popped the release and I lifted the hood,
When a deep voice behind me said "Looks pretty good."
Well as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,
And there by my workbench, stood good Ol' Saint Nick!

He just stared at first, not sure what to say,
Then Santa piped in "Don't suppose you'd trade that for my sleigh?'
"Forget it, Mr. Claus" then I started to grin -
"If you've got time we could go for a spin!"

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,
Burst into a smile when he said "C'mon then, Let's GO!!"
So as not to disturb all my neighbours' retreat,
We pushed my old Stingray quietly onto the street.

Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,
I turned on the key, then let the clutch spill.
The sound erupted and took Santa by surprise,
But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.

With cold tires spinning and exhaust pipes aglow,
We headed on out to roads hot rodders go.
And Santa's grin widened, approaching his ears,
With every shift up as I went through the gears.

Then he yelled "Can't recall when I've felt so alive!"
So I backed off the gas and said "Do you wanna drive?"
Ol' Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,
As he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the big block exploded with raspy exhaust sound!
Santa let out the clutch as the tires tore up the ground.
Power shift into second, again into third!
I grabbed for the handle, at loss for a word.

With the tank reaching empty, Santa returned to his sleigh,
Never to forget that ride in my '69 Stingray
Later, I heard him exclaim, as he blasted from sight,
"Merry Christmas, you all,
it's been a hell of a great night!!!"

 

 

A rich Arab was dying of cancer and told his 3 sons (age 6, 16 & 21) that he would buy them each one thing before he died..

1. The 21 year old said he would like some of his dads oil so his dad instead went out and bought him Shell Oil..
2. The 16 year old said he had always wanted an American made Corvette so his dad instead went out and bought him General Motors.
3. The very young 6 year old said he had always wanted a "Mickey Mouse Outfit" so his dad instead went out and bought him Ford Motor Company

 

Why do Corvettes have tilt steering columns?....

more head room!