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Dear Friends
Its New Years Eve and I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you
have forwarded over the year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But
that will change once I receive the $915,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are
sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the
senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink
Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no
longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the $5 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm
tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people who don't have enough sex, always read while holding the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Have a fantastic New Year. Thinking of you all.
Happy New Year 2017
