With more and more of you out-of-staters coming down here, I figured that I would post a little guide that would make your stay in the Lone Star State more enjoyable.

TRAVEL GUIDE TO TEXAS

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and
soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who
are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let
them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your butt.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead
to an butt kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some
J.Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your butt.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes
we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the
US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious butt kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your butt.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut
up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the
kitchen, or we'll kick your butt.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney
beans, as this will get your butt kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home-before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are
saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your butt.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If
your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to
love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all
the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your butt-just like they
did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in
crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and
we'll kick your butt.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt
shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and
you may go home in a pine box-minus your butt.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first
place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your butt out.

16) Enjoy your visit.
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:seeya


[Modified by John McGraw, 5:49 PM 8/2/2002]

 

LOL!!! :smash:

Well, I'm almost a native - lived in Mineral Wells (Fort Wolters, Army Helicopter School) for two years; it was simply wonderful - the last summer we were there, it never got below 100 degrees, day or night, for 27 days straight (we were usually tied with Furnace Creek, California for the hottest place in the U.S.). Still have my Stetson and boots, and sure miss the varmint huntin' with y'all! :cheers:

We took the doors off the helicopters in March, put them back on in December; couldn't wait to get to the flight line on a hot day, spool it up, climb to 2000 feet, and fly sideways - terrific breeze! :D

 

I hear you John.....that's why about a month from now, I'll be moving to the Catoctin Mountains, right next to Camp David. You know, the other residence of Dubya! :cheers:






[Modified by FXT, 9:06 PM 8/2/2002]

 

I'll give a big damn AMEN to that!! :cheers: Same almost applies to Louisiana.


Born in New Orleans, lived in Big D for 18 years...as the bumper sticker says...

"I wasn't born here, but I got here as fast as I could." :yesnod:

 

Patrick, I thought you had already made the move. Beautiful country up there, I just don't know if I could take the winters!
:seeya

 

John, I moving September 6th. Now I'm located about 15 miles southeast, 10 miles south of Pa. and with the global warming, the summers are getting hotter and the winters are getting warmer. Here it is 9:15 P.M., and it's still 90 degrees in Maryland. Last winter we had practically no snow, the winters just aren't that bad anymore. Gotta love that 30'x30' garage. It won't be a John Z garage, but it's a lot bigger than what I got now. :)

 

Patrick, I hear you on the garage. I am thinking obout moving a little further out just to get away from architectural control boards, so I can build bigger garages. I had a 36X24 when I built the house and added a 30X30 a couple of years ago and they told me then that was the last garage they would let me build! If I make the move, I will cut the house square footage in half and double the garage space. It is amazing what you can build a 100X150' metal building for!
:seeya

 

Thanks for the travel guide, John. Up here in Canajun Land, we prescribe to many of the same ideas but we're far too polite to kick everyone's butt. Instead, we keep an ample supply of large voracious carnivores (polar bears, wolves, Mounties, etc.) so unwelcome guests often find themselves invited to dinner- as entrees.

Mind you, some of these interlopers can be pretty wily. There are still a few draft dodgers hiding in the deep woods, smoking dope and crunching on granola while wondering if the Vietnam War will end soon. :lol: