The 21 Dumbest Corvette Questions
Some of you remember the VHS tapes that used to accompany Corvette owners manuals. As a teenager, I would pop those into the VCR several times a year and watch them over and over again. Near the beginning of the owners manual video for the 2000 Corvette, the presenter says, “There is nothing quite like Corvette.” Those six words, as simple as they are, are some of the truest words I have ever come across in my life. There are just a handful of cars that would provoke my repetitively watching their respective owners manual videos, and none of those vehicles is quite like Corvette.
The problem with those owners manual tapes is how wonderfully informative they are. Overall, they are great for the stockpile of information they provide, but for the purposes of this article, they are the bane of a knowledgeable Corvette enthusiast’s existence. I say this because in my experience, elevated erudition amplifies the stupidity of questions emanating from those less informed. Sometimes the stupidity amplification factor can convert a dumb question into something so imbecilic, it’s as if a black hole of benightedness surrounds each word of the query, and if I ponder the words too long in my mind, the gravity of their nescience can cause brain damage and memory loss similar to the effects you’d see if you stuck a high-powered magnet next to a hard drive.
We know there are plenty of people out there who are unsure about whether Corvettes have two seats, but can you imagine there are human inhabitants of Earth who will inquire about a Corvette’s seating capacity while looking inside its interior? Do they expect the rear seats to materialize as magically as pixie dust emerging from a unicorn’s ass? You don’t believe people like that exist? Well, they do.
A few weeks ago, we asked Corvette Forum members to hit us with the dumbest Corvette questions they’ve ever had to field from those less informed. Among the myriad responses, I have picked the 21 stupidest questions, and I’ve thrown a few stupid statements into the mix as well. Be warned, the more you know about America’s sports car, the more offensively asinine these questions and statements will seem.
JC23GS10: I was told by someone when he saw my car that he always loved Corvettes, and then he asked me if it is a front or rear-drive car.
KenHorse: “Is that the new Viper?”
rocket68: I was asked to have the Grand Marshall of a parade ride in my C7 Coupe. When I pick him up, his wife asks if there is room in the back for her. Obviously, she is not a car person.
FOOTR 1: “Is that the new Firebird?”
harmonyp: Random Dude: “How high does the dash go?” harmonyp: “Huh?” Random Dude: “You know, how high does the dash go?!?!
(The guy was trying to ask the highest number on the speedometer.)
J18369: “This is a Chevrolet?”
jso789: A few weeks ago I went into a big-name auto parts store. I needed a heater control valve for my Corvette. I asked the kid at the counter about one for an 81 Corvette. He had the computer screen turned toward me, so I could pretty much see what he was doing. He was looking under the Ford section for the Corvette. I didn’t say anything at first to see what he would say. After a minute or so I finally said “How’s the search going for you?” He sighed and said, “The Corvette is a Ford car, right?”
Midnight 85: A guy at a car show told me he really liked the way I reversed the hood opening. He said he had never seen one with that done to it.
Burnout Image: [Hennessey Performance]