Guess there's not much funny around today, or everyone slept in, here's a couple........
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40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary
in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy
appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and
for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
- two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful, should remember fairies are female.....

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First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!





A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.


The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

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Grandma & Grandpa


Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills .

The son said, I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive .

How much? asked Grandpa .

$10.00 a pill, Answered the son .

I don't care, said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow .

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow . He called Grandpa and said, I told you each pill was
$10, not $110 .

I know, said Grandpa . The hundred is from Grandma!

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Just Some Good Humour

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,
it's only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you......?
To see if you really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again with the same perfection.

Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone
is still getting screwed!

This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan .......
"We stare because we care!"

The saddest part of a man's body is his *****.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing ****.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
BUT in a condom blast, population increases.

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TRANSLATION-YANKEE DOGS TO SOUTHERN DAWGS

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

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Halloween JOKE

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

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Strong man

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartend er paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

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T.G.I.F.


MEMO BOARD

Things to do today

1) Get up
2) survive
3) Go back to bed

 

 

One from over on OT


A group of rich young people were exploring the ocean in their yacht. They spotted a remote island and decided to go ashore to check it out. One cute female went off own her own to explore the wooded areas. As she walked along she got the feeling that something was watching her. She kept walking, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious.

Suddenly she spotted a young man furtively looking at her from a distance. He was dressed in tattered clothes and had long matted hair. She decided to return to the others, and the young man kept his distance. She decided that he was as afraid of her as she of him. She turned around and began walking toward the young man; he started to run away, but she called to him, telling him not to be afraid.

She approached him and found that he was articulate, but shy. It turned out that he had been marooned on the island following a ship wreck when he was very young. He had outlived all the other survivors. His name was John Beresford Tipton, V. [Look it up yourself] She told him that he could come with her and that she would return him to civilization.

As they walked she couldn't help but notice him eyeing her bikini-clad body. She thought to herself, "Why not?". She removed her bikini, laid down on the sand, and told him to make love to her. However it quickly became apparent that he didn't know how. She said, "Well, what do you do when you're by yourself?".

"I use a knot hole in a tree," he said.

"Then just pretend I'm the knot hole," she said. That brought a big smile to his face. He then broke a limb from a tree and hit her hard between the legs with it.

"Ow!", she yelled. "What the hell was that for?"

"I always like to check for bees," he answered.

 

An Englishman was visiting the US, and one windy day he found himself standing at a bus stop with a very attractive young lady with a skirt. She was having problems holding her things in one hand while trying to hold the skirt down. Finally a strong gust lifted the skirt and he realized that she was "commando".

Thinking to make conversation to ease her embarrassment, the British chap remarked "A bit airy, wouldn't you say?"

The woman glared at him and said "What did you expect - feathers?"

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

Hi~
I am late, but made it in while it is still Friday

 

Hi~
I like to check out Friday Funnies.

 

Better late than never Suzan, it was looking like a slim week for a while. K

 

Well, on my end of the continent you didn't, but those were good ones so we'll let it slide!