Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone!

Well after the longest winter in history, it seems, we're supposed to get some mild weather and SUN! So maybe cool cars and bikes will once again be howling around the streets.

Let's see whatchu got to make us laugh....
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Some eye exercises first......
































Here is old age at its best...!!!

Dann and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Joe didn't show up. Dann didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something...

But after Joe hadn't shown up for a week or so, Dann really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dann didn't know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Dann figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dann approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Joe! Dann was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?'

Joe replied, 'I have been in jail'
'Jail!' cried Dann. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Joe said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Dann, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.




This is exactly why I like being an old man!

I was standing at the bar at the American Legion one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches... but,
When you're seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'...."
When you're seventy..............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the Legion last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but..
When you're seventy...............who cares?

*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to our Legion last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?




8 words with 2 meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?

He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

....thanks Sammy K.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

God, Send Me Money!

Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.”



Bret Ernst: Blame America

Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.



The Unacceptable Tax Return.....

This example shows the importance of accuracy when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, 'List your dependents”, you wrote: '12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.' The IRS responded that “this is unacceptable!”

The man's response to the IRS was: 'Who did I leave out?'



A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Definition of I.T.........

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

davidf59

New Golf Shoes...

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen.
I cut each one into four pieces.

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said,
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy
much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

davidf59

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go to Community College and sign up for some classes.”
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true , I do have a yard .'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.

He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weedeater?'

'No'

Then you're a queer.

davidf59

A knight was about to leave to fight in the Holy Crusades, but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."

The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy
Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him.

He turned to see that it was his best friend.

"What's the problem?" asked the knight.

His best friend replied, "It’s the wrong key."

plaidside

Best pick-up line:

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his

mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit,

flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave.

He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.

He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me..... do I come here often?

MAD IN NC

Mmmmmmmm. Dinosaur Bacon

MAD IN NC

plaidside

MAD IN NC

April 28 - Ed ***** Day

named after British politician who on April 28, 2011 in his first use of Twitter famously tweeted out his own name.

MAD IN NC

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000".

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the back room to get one.

From the back room the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a
couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her
husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers
started at her neck, and then began moving down past the
small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her
stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left
inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he
proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and
became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by
this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that
was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded:

'I found the remote.'...

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "*******, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a *******?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
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A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of womens deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ******* ugly!
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A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ******' ***."
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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that ****". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
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Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
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A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

c1j1c2

Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”

Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”





There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

His co-workers are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of his friend asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”




A handsome guy Villian is sitting in a night-club, sipping a scotch. He notices a splendid woman at the end of the pub, she was talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a champagne, along with a note asking for the fantastic woman’s phone number.

Fifteen minutes later, the waiter comes over with a note. He reads:

“Unless you have a Audi Q7 parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and nine inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”

Villian finishes his scotch, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the waiter, and walks out:

“Actually, I only have about half a million in the bank; most of my net worth is in the four dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Lamborghini; the Mercedes Benz, Hummer, and Porsche are currently at my summer mansion.

But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can f**k right off.”




A son and a daughter took their poor, elderly mother to a seniors centre and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a delicious breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.

The old lady seemed peaceful, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed peaceful, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.Two nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the son and daughter arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” the old woman replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”




Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat, screaming hysterically.

One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”

Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”

Kerrmudgeon

Marketing 101.......

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________
____________________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing,
so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You are at a party;
this old man walks up to you and grabs your ***.

That's Donald Trump
______________________________ ______________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later
your attorney decides you were offended
and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!

......