MAD IN NC

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:

Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery -> The study of paintings
Bacteria-> Back door to cafeteria
Barium-> What doctors do when patients die
Benign-> What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section-> A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan-> Searching for Kitty
Cauterize-> Made eye contact with her
Colic ->A sheep dog
Coma-> A punctuation mark
Dilate-> To live long
Enema-> Not a friend
Fester-> Quicker than someone else
Fibula-> A small lie
Impotent-> Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain-> Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff-> A Doctor's cane
Morbid-> A higher offer
Nitrates-> Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node ->I knew it
Outpatient-> A person who has fainted
Pelvis-> Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative-> A letter carrier
Recovery Room ->Place to do upholstery
Rectum-> Nearly killed him
Secretion-> Hiding something
Seizure-> Roman Emperor
Tablet-> A small table
Terminal Illness ->Getting sick at the airport
Tumor-> One plus one more
Urine-> Opposite of you're out

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."





A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."





A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk."




Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."





"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."



A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little *****." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"



Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, **** in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have". So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters ****, brothers ****, dogs ****, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.



One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."



Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my ******* bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"




When Ralph first noticed that his ***** was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his ***** had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"




A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".





A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of ****." So the man said, "Shut the **** up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"



One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"



A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"



So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."



A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some *******'s got my pen."



After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to
his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said. "Sexuality my ***!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"



A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his *****. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers.. "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"



A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the ***** willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"



A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."



Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

MAD IN NC

For me, Sinko de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate.

Few people have come to know the “true” story of the origin of Sinko de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight.

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Go out on this day, grab a couple of slices of Wonderbread and a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise and have a party. You know I will!

out2kayak

75 Signs You Grew Up In A Small Town:

You’ve given directions based off of a stoplight.
Your demeanor doesn’t change when someone mentions the Blueberry, Kumquat, Strawberry or Peach Festival.
“Buggy” = Shopping Cart
Everybody knows everybody, and their business.
Most, if not all of your high school friends are married, engaged or working on their 3rd kid.
Your entire town shuts down every Friday night for the local football game.
You were friends with kids from other schools until football season began.
“Downtown” is where the old antique store and southern buffet are located.
Your teachers taught your parents and will teach your siblings.
Your town had a bowling alley. That’s it.
You had to create ways to entertain yourself because bowling ******* sucks after 50 straight games.
You can basically name every person in your graduating class, and their GPAs.
Pageant queens are literal royalty.
You do not only know what FFA stands for, but were more than likely the president of your chapter.
A bonfire is your idea of a good time.
Your closest Wal-Mart was, at minimum, a 20-minute drive.
You know what the Piggly-Wiggly and Freds Supermarket is.
If your family was going through some type of crisis, you weren’t surprised to find home cooked meals dropped off at your doorstep by random people.
When you accomplish something cool later in life and your parent’s brag about it, random people you’ve never heard of before start talking about how they remember when you were “just a youngin…”
You’ve unintentionally used words like cotton pickin, dagnabbit and over younder in conversation at least once in your life.
But, “y’all” is used in your daily vocabulary.
Friday poker nights were cherished events.
You’ve seen at least 10 different barns in your lifetime.
You’ve even been to a barn party, or five.
You not only know what 4-H is, but were more than likely an active member.
You are somehow related to every single person in that town and you could never for the life of you figure out how.
Your relatives put ‘the’ in front of everything. The McDonalds. The Wal-Mart. The Blockbuster.
And let’s be real for a second, it’s pronounced Mac-Donalds.
The only traffic jam you ever experienced was when a tractor was driving down the road 15 cars ahead of you.
Everyone in your town went to the same church.
And if you weren’t at church one Sunday, people would personally call or text you to see if you were okay.
When you go back to that little town, everyone asks the same stupid questions.
If you don’t leave the second you’re able, you’ll be forever caught in the black hole of that tiny town with no chance of escape.
When people ask you where you’re from, you name the closest big town to you. I’m from Tampa, Florida… okay fine… Plant City, Florida.
You’ve not only heard of the annual Ag Convention in Moultrie, GA, you’ve probably been to it 10 times.
You have naughty thoughts about Kenny Chesney, Rodney Atkins, Dierks Bentley, and Josh Turner.
You know every word to Honky Tonk Badonkadonk, Long Black Train, Where I Come From, Good Directions, and anything written by the one and only, George Strait.
Your college applications looked really good because you participated in all of the clubs and won a lot of scholarships. People praised your efforts, but really, there was just nothing better to do.
You’ve heard a train horn.
Muddin’ is a normal weekend event.
You more than likely grew your own fruits and veggies and shot your own meat.
But if you didn’t, you knew the best butcher and produce stand in town to get them from.
It’s not abnormal for you to see horses, pigs, chickens, cows, etc. in someone’s back yard.
There are no streetlights where you live, so it’s somewhat impossible for you to sleep in a place that has them everywhere.
You more than likely had a decent sized back yard.
You have danced or participated in other strange acts in the middle of the street, like in the Notebook, because no cars drive through town past 8 PM.
Your summer job was babysitting.
It isn’t abnormal to see 5-year-olds biking or walking around the streets of your town, because it’s just that safe.
If your town is off a highway, there’s a maximum of 3 exits that allow access to it.
It’s impossible to explain where you’re from without referring to larger cities or big landmarks.
You’re proud to be from the “Winter Strawberry Capital of the World…”
When you go to college, the college itself is 3 times the population of your hometown.
Every street in the town is dedicated to some important old guy that died down the road from your house some 100 odd years ago.
You’ve waited on a train to pass to continue the route to your destination at least 20 times.
You’ve even seen a train go past you, then back up, and drive forward once more.
Every father and grandfather could be found at the local saloon or feed store after every workday.
You’ve had the same hairdresser since you were a child.
And on that note, the best place for all the town gossip was at your local hair salon.
You’ve at least watched someone participate in cow tipping if you weren’t the culprit yourself.
You had designated senior skip days in high school.
You relate all too well to the show Friday Night Lights.
Red clay isn’t a dirty bother, because it’s second nature to you.
You give directions based on local landmarks. “Left at the old tree with two stumps, right at the church, past the cotton field..”
You find a certain peace from a long, dark drive home
Someone in your family grew cotton, strawberries, blueberries, peanuts, peaches, oranges, etc.
You dated the boy on the football team and wore his letterman jacket around school.
You’ve been to a drive-in and would sometimes prefer that experience to a regular movie theater.
You or your parents had that illegal police scanner thing with the incessant beeping every time a cop was near.
The town’s radiologist, primary care physician, gynecologist, dentist and orthopedic surgeon are the same person.
You had a homecoming parade and were more than likely a part of it.
Bro-Code doesn’t exist. It’s almost impossible to not date your friend’s ex.
The closest mall to you was over 30 minutes away.
You’ve stolen a speed limit or stop sign.
And no one noticed, because there were no set speed limits.
You want to hate that place so much, but all in all, it was a great place to grow up.

MAD IN NC

Garf?



CANADA, what can we say...

Kerrmudgeon

THE KING.....

. . . . wanted to go fishing, and so, he asked his royal weather

forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with
a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish
were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He
is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king and queen continued on their way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious
position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in
influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this
date.

Thus, the democrat party symbol was born.

Amen

Kerrmudgeon

Roger Walling

Cinco de Mayo

Hmm... May 5th,1865 1st US train robbery (North Bend, Ohio USA)
I wonder if it is a coincidence?

ricks327

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.


All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "George where are you?"

George yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, George. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

toddalin