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A woman caught her husband on the scale sucking in his stomach. She said"That won't help you, Joe". He replied, "It helps a lot! It's the only way I can see the numbers".
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.
...
Why men shouldn't babysit!.......
Seamus and Paddy are sitting on a bench boasting about their luckiest day.
Seamus says "Once I found a 50 pound note, so I had a slap up dinner and got a bottle of whiskey."
Paddy replied "I can beat that! I was walking along the railway lines this morning and I found a woman tied to the rails. After I untied her we fucked non stop all day."
Seamus replied "Did you get a blow job?"
.
.
.
.
.
Paddy replied........ "No, I couldn't find her head."
A blonde tied her dog under the tree while she went into a restaurant to eat. Soon, a policeman entered and asked, "Who owns the dog tied to that tree outside?" The blonde said, "Me." "Your dog seems to be in heat," said the officer. "Oh, no way. She's cool cuz she's in the shade." "No, you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." "No way. She's not hungry cuz I fed her this morning." The exasperated policeman exclaimed, "You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex." The blonde replied, "Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog!"
Last edited by 64Corvette; 06-03-2018 at 10:49 AM.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady’s arm was too short to reach.
A firefighter died and went to hell where a wall of clocks stood . After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the f...
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their
clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
During a big fire downtown the firemen
were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor
with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they
had placed a net, but the mother
refused. Things looked grim until a
tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the
women. He said that he was a
professional football player and that he
could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother
finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking
catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised
the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and yelled,
"TOUCHDOWN!!"
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold hima boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
06-01-2018, 06:12 PM
...
.....let's see if we can get that number up a little in the future....
