Kerrmudgeon

Good morning from the northland all you funny followers!
As Fall tucks in and the temps fall it's time to start laughing more with the increased inside time in a lot of the country.
Let's see what y'all can come up with this week......
_____________________________ _______________________ ______________________

First from next door......a few eye teasers....



















And a few funnies sent to me this past week for your entertainment.....


A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."



Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"



Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm his mother asked if he'd done his chores. "Not yet", says little Johnny. Mother says, "No breakfast until your chores are done." Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes and feeds the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes and feeds the cows and kicks a cow. He goes and feeds the pigs and kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" "How come I dont have any milk in my cereal?" He asks. Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week." "I saw you kick a pig, so your not getting any bacon for a week." "I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week your not getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says: "Are you going to tell him or should I?"



A woman starts going into labor and there's no one around except her dumb brother to take her to the hospital. "I'll take you sis!" her brother exclaimed. Driving crazy he makes it to the hospital. The nurses immediately take his sister into the delivery room. A couple of hours later, everything went well, and the sister is in a room recovering. The head nurse enters the room and tells her, " Congratulations, you had twins. A boy and a girl. We needed names for the babies for our records but you were still sedated so we asked your brother." " Oh no," she thought to herself, "I love my brother but he's an idiot." "What did he name the girl?" she nervously asked. "Denise," the nurse replied. Denise, that's not bad, the sister said to herself, "What did he name the boy?" The nurse replied, "Denephew."



A blonde, being tired of the jokes, dyed her hair brunette. Feeling good about her new look, she went for a drive in the country. She came upon a shepherd watching his sheep. She stopped and asked the shepherd "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your herd would you let me have one?" Intrigued, the shepherd agreed. "247" she guessed. "By gosh, you are right" said the shepherd, "pick one out." So the woman picked out a very happy, bouncy, fluffy looking one and got ready to leave. The shepherd said "Now I have a question for you," he said "if I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is just a sick bird.



There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed, so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game. His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'



A German woman, a French woman and a Scots woman were walking along the seashore when they notice something at the water's edge. As they approached they saw it was a man with no arms and no legs. Feeling sorry for the fellow they went over to him. The German woman leaned over and said to him "Minen lieb, haf you efer been hugged?" The man looked up at her and shook his head "No". So she bent down and gave him a big bear hug. Then the French woman went to him and said "Mon cheri, have you ever been kissed?" Again the man sadly shook his head no and she gave him a deep, long passionate kiss. Finally the Scots woman went to him and asked "Laddie, have ye ever been fooked?" With a big smile the man shook his head no. "Aye", she said, "Ye will be when the tide comes in."



A husband comes home from the store and yells to his wife "I won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife replies "Where are we going?" And the husband says "I don't care just get out."



There's this old retired couple sitting in the living room after breakfast one morning reading different sections of the newspaper. After a while the old man gets up and puts his coat & hat on. Wife asks, "Where are you going?" The old man says, I was just reading about this new medicine called Viagra, supposed to make old men feel young again." Wife gets up out of her rocking chair, goes to the closet, and grabs her coat. The old man asks, "where do think you're going?" She replies, "I've heard about that viagra and what it'll do for a man, so I'm going to the doctors with you." Old man asks, "but why?" She says, cuz If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again I'm going to get me a tetanus shot!"



A friend told me I should put manure on my strawberries. I'm switching back to cool whip, the manure was just terrible.



There was a man that had triplet sons that was finishing high school. He found out that he didn't have long to live so he called his sons together. He told his sons that he was going to give them his life savings for college but he wanted them to promise to do one thing for him as a sign of respect. He told them that when he died, he wanted each of them to put a 20 dollar bill in his coat pocket of his suit. During the sophomore year of their college, their father died. At the funeral home, the first son comes up to the casket. He says a little prayer and looks around to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it inside his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later on becomes a minister. The second son comes up to the casket, says a prayer, looks to see if anyone is watching and reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it in his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a doctor. The third son comes up to the casket, says a prayer and looks to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his fathers pocket and takes out the 40 dollars. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a check for 60 dollars and sticks it into his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a politician.

.....thanks to Curvette and SammyK for that content.

Kerrmudgeon

But how does she reach the pedals?

Kerrmudgeon

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”



What men say and what it really means........

"I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work." Really means: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie." Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists." Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you." Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit." Really means: "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means: "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."



A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

what the heck is this thing?......

Joemac8

Joemac8

JF in MI

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-*** Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.

If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.

Roger Walling

You may have to think about this one.
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

• "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."

63 340HP

A young woman wrote to Tech Support, and their reply is a stroke of genius.

She wrote a letter to the tech support as a joke and only remembered about it when she unexpectedly received their responding email.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:

NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.



Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications that will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck! Tech support










The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.

His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"

His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, '**** you,' and I holler back, '**** you, too!'"










A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's **** was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me.”










A pensioner drove his brand new C8 Corvette to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

roadster65

Kerrmudgeon

A few funny pics from my pal Curvette.....

Kerrmudgeon

Now this might be considered in bad taste or at least not safe for family viewing but it still HILARIOUS! You been warned....
And to think that women go through this as a matter of course these days........

Kerrmudgeon

......next Friday!

vetteman64

A man retires but gets bored so takes a job as a Walmart greeter since he likes people and its easy work, but rarely is on time. After many late starts, the manager decides he needs to have a talk. He asks the man, "what happened at your last job when you showed up late time and time again"? The mans response was "they would say, How would you like your coffee today, general?"!!!!!

Kerrmudgeon

Try to get new jokes on the NEW Funnies wouldja? ......








,

Sabre34