i read this one today:

The Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

:lolg: good one!

 

yup
:lol:

 

I knew that already..... :lolg: :lolg: :lolg:

 

It even sounds funny Down Under.

Regards from Down Under

aussiejohn :jester :cheers:

 

I didn't start this post but I can't resist adding one of my own.

Subject: Only in America... Ever Wonder?


1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
:) :)

 

:lolg: That is too, funny! :lolg:

Why do we make furniture polish from lemon juice and lemonade from the rind?

 

:lolg: :lolg:

 

:lol: Good ones

Quoting Gallagher "Why do we drive in a parkway, and park in a driveway?"

 

:lolg: :rofl: :yesnod: :lol:

 

Hey Hey - it may be junk, but far from useless. :lolg: :lolg:

 

Norval, those are great!

 

An 80 year old man goes to his doctor for a thorough check up.

DOC: Well sir everthing looks great.

MAN: But you haven't taken all your test!!!

DOC: What test are you refering to sir?

MAN: I want to take that sperm test!!

DOC: Well we normally dont give that test to gentlemen your age.

MAN: I don't care, I want to take that test.

So the doc gives the man a jar and tells the man to return later with a sample.

Later that afternoon the man returns, with his wife hold him up because he can no longer walk on both his legs and appears to be exhausted.

DOC: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!!!!

MAN: Doc, I tried!!! I tried with my right hand Doc.
I tried with my left hand Doc.

My wife, She tried too Doc. She tried with her right hand Doc. She tried with her left hand Doc.

She tried with her teeth Doc. She even tried with out her teeth Doc!!!!!

And you know we still couldn't get that dang jar open!!!!!!

 

:lol: :rofl: :lolg:

 

:lolg:

 

:lolg: :lolg: :lolg:

 

:lolg: :lolg: :thumbs:

 

:lol: :lolg: :iagree:
Ken :cheers:

 

:rofl: :cheers:

 

A woman ask's her husband " Honey would you like some breakfast?"
He answers" No. this Viagra I'm on kills my appetite."
Later she says "How about lunch?"
"No," he says " the Viagra just kills my appetite."
That evening, she says "Would you like some supper?"
He answers " No honey, I'm still not hungry!"
She answers " Well, will you get off of me because I'm starved!"