A Little Humor
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 227
Likes: 2
From: Arkansas
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New
Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000
for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the
jury box, and the cartridge box.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New
Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000
for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the
jury box, and the cartridge box.
Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend
Everybody !
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Everybody !
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
_
I like that ChiTown joke...
Its historical and so close to reality of how things are really done. Hahhahhaha Mike that's toooooo funny mo.
Did you hear this golf one yet ?
One day a young good looking big busted long legged blond woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
I was stung by a bee', she said.
Where?', he asked?
Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said...
Then your feet were too far apart.
OoooooouuuuuuHaaaaaaa!!
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I like that ChiTown joke...
Its historical and so close to reality of how things are really done. Hahhahhaha Mike that's toooooo funny mo.
Did you hear this golf one yet ?
One day a young good looking big busted long legged blond woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
I was stung by a bee', she said.
Where?', he asked?
Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said...
Then your feet were too far apart.
OoooooouuuuuuHaaaaaaa!!
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Last edited by PeterB; Nov 4, 2014 at 08:47 AM.
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
Teacher Appreciation Day
At this school, there's a tradition where students give their teachers presents.
One year this was going on and a the students were giving their gifts to this teacher. Little Suzy came up and put her present on the desk. The teacher opened it and it was a very nice flower arrangement. Her daddy was a florist.
Little Timmy came up and set his present on the teachers desk, well his daddy was a candy maker, and in the box was a selection of chocolates and candies.
When Little Katie came up, the teacher got all excited, her daddy owned a liquor store. As Little Katie sets her box up on the desk the teacher sees a wet spot on the side. She sticks her finger in it and licks it.
"Let me guess, is it... Bandy?"
"No." Little Katie replied.
"Champagne?"
"No" Little Katie answered again.The teacher thinks for a minute and sticks her finger in the wet spot again and licks it.
"Beer?"
"No," Little Katie replied, "Its a puppy."
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Teacher Appreciation Day
At this school, there's a tradition where students give their teachers presents.
One year this was going on and a the students were giving their gifts to this teacher. Little Suzy came up and put her present on the desk. The teacher opened it and it was a very nice flower arrangement. Her daddy was a florist.
Little Timmy came up and set his present on the teachers desk, well his daddy was a candy maker, and in the box was a selection of chocolates and candies.
When Little Katie came up, the teacher got all excited, her daddy owned a liquor store. As Little Katie sets her box up on the desk the teacher sees a wet spot on the side. She sticks her finger in it and licks it.
"Let me guess, is it... Bandy?"
"No." Little Katie replied.
"Champagne?"
"No" Little Katie answered again.The teacher thinks for a minute and sticks her finger in the wet spot again and licks it.
"Beer?"
"No," Little Katie replied, "Its a puppy."
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Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
so, Peter B may be able to make something even better out of this, but here goes.
This morning a Japanese man went to the polls. The poll-worker asks him if he would like to vote and escorts him to a voting booth. A short while later the Japanese man goes back to the poll-worker and says, "Actuarry, I thought this is where I come for my Viagra."
The poll-worker is confused and says that the pharmacist is on the next block.
To this the Japanese man answers that he knows he is in the right place because it is "erection day".
This morning a Japanese man went to the polls. The poll-worker asks him if he would like to vote and escorts him to a voting booth. A short while later the Japanese man goes back to the poll-worker and says, "Actuarry, I thought this is where I come for my Viagra."
The poll-worker is confused and says that the pharmacist is on the next block.
To this the Japanese man answers that he knows he is in the right place because it is "erection day".
Good one! Well done Sam the Handwich Man
As a matter of fact my new Eastern European girlfriend Ilona Switalski bet me she could give me a hickey even on my *****.
Naturally, I bet her it's impossible to do so.
I give her credit, she's been trying for about an hour now and won't give up. Lmao
Hey you called it Man, they don't call me "PetePeteWithTheSwinginMeat" for nothing
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Last edited by PeterB; Nov 5, 2014 at 12:15 AM.
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
So a man had eaten some bad food and was having stomach problems. After about an hour he comes out of the bathroom and his wife replies, "One of these days you're gonna ***** your guts out too." The man ignores her and goes on his way.
So his wife goes out and shoots a deer and guts it. She then puts the guts in the mans toilet hoping to get a good laugh. The man goes back into the bathroom and does his business, and then looks down and starts freaking out while his wife chuckles outside the door. He comes out and she asks, "Honey what's wrong?" To which he replies,
"You told me that my guts would come out too, and they did!"
The wife grins, but before she could explain he replies,
"But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back in there!!!"
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So a man had eaten some bad food and was having stomach problems. After about an hour he comes out of the bathroom and his wife replies, "One of these days you're gonna ***** your guts out too." The man ignores her and goes on his way.
So his wife goes out and shoots a deer and guts it. She then puts the guts in the mans toilet hoping to get a good laugh. The man goes back into the bathroom and does his business, and then looks down and starts freaking out while his wife chuckles outside the door. He comes out and she asks, "Honey what's wrong?" To which he replies,
"You told me that my guts would come out too, and they did!"
The wife grins, but before she could explain he replies,
"But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back in there!!!"
-
Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to F*** off."
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to F*** off."
Last edited by Catman58; Nov 11, 2014 at 08:56 PM.
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
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An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Lol
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An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Lol
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Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
Wtf its 16* here in WindyCity. PuckMe. Man what a brutal day
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Wtf its 16* here in WindyCity. PuckMe. Man what a brutal day
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
-
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 227
Likes: 2
From: Arkansas
A little Chicago humor! (since the Windy City was mentioned.)
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's *** to the White House".
I almost ran off the road!
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's *** to the White House".
I almost ran off the road!
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
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Hysterical
True story Mike?
How do you like this one
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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Hysterical
True story Mike?
How do you like this one
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
-
Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
Burning Brakes
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,037
Likes: 120
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
I wonder if I should tell my wife that joke/story.
And I wonder if anyone else wondered the same thing!
Melting Slicks
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,491
Likes: 315
St. Jude Donor '15-'16-'17-'18-'19-'20-'21-'22
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Wtf its 16* here in WindyCity. PuckMe. Man what a brutal day
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
-
Wtf its 16* here in WindyCity. PuckMe. Man what a brutal day
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
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"I can see Uranus from here"