A Little Humor
Safety Car
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 4,820
Likes: 34
From: Ravensdale WA
Found this earlier
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive,"
George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked .......
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe..why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Like
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive,"
George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked .......
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe..why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Like
Safety Car
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 4,820
Likes: 34
From: Ravensdale WA
Truly a wise person......
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem~~
how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old gal replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem~~
how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old gal replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".
Safety Car
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 4,820
Likes: 34
From: Ravensdale WA
Irish Pub
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this $hit but me."
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this $hit but me."
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
The Attorney
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up
the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be
hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed . . . .
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
-
________________
The Attorney
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up
the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be
hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed . . . .
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
-
________________
Burning Brakes
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,220
Likes: 299
From: Cleburne Texas
Crotch less panties
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual
relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch less
underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television.
So she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotch less undies
and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual
relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch less
underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television.
So she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotch less undies
and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
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Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
My wife was complaining about her small *****. She finally asks me if she can get a boob job. I tell her before we do that try wiping toilet paper between your ***** twice a day. She looks puzzled and asks how on earth will this make my ***** bigger. I told her look what it's done for your
A$$. It's been pretty quiet around my house.
A$$. It's been pretty quiet around my house.
Last edited by Catman58; Dec 31, 2014 at 02:47 PM.
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
Lol. Funny. I especially like the panties one. The batteries is good too and Rodneys a classic.
Here's a quickie with the hopes we get a few more funnies-
2 Southern boys were golfing one day when a beautiful woman walked out of the woods...
She starting stripping off her clothes and laid down in the middle of the fairway...
One of the good old boys asked her, "Are you game"???
She replied, "I sure am handsome"...
So he shot her... LOl.
__________________
-
Lol. Funny. I especially like the panties one. The batteries is good too and Rodneys a classic.
Here's a quickie with the hopes we get a few more funnies-
2 Southern boys were golfing one day when a beautiful woman walked out of the woods...
She starting stripping off her clothes and laid down in the middle of the fairway...
One of the good old boys asked her, "Are you game"???
She replied, "I sure am handsome"...
So he shot her... LOl.
__________________
-
Burning Brakes
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,220
Likes: 299
From: Cleburne Texas
Getting older sucks ... unless you have a sense of humor...
Subject: Random thoughts as we age ...
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when
I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just
a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do
that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when
I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just
a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do
that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.
Racer
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 355
Likes: 7
From: Cherry Hill New Jersey
The first for the new year!
Marriage and Farting CAN BE FATAL!
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS, THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND’S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN’T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, ‘HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.’ ‘ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU.’
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’ ASKED HIS WIFE.
‘WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.’
Happy New Year
Marriage and Farting CAN BE FATAL!
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS, THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND’S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN’T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, ‘HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.’ ‘ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU.’
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’ ASKED HIS WIFE.
‘WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.’
Happy New Year
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
Lol AD I think that ones on the thread already
Its all good maybe someone else hasn't seen it yet.
-
For us Golfers here are the top 10 Caddy Responses.
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . ..That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course .. . . . We left that an hour ago."
Number : 1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus...
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy.
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems.........?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of $hit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."
Caddy: "Other end.
-
Lol AD I think that ones on the thread already
Its all good maybe someone else hasn't seen it yet.
-
For us Golfers here are the top 10 Caddy Responses.
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . ..That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course .. . . . We left that an hour ago."
Number : 1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus...
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy.
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems.........?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of $hit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."
Caddy: "Other end.
-
Racer
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 355
Likes: 7
From: Cherry Hill New Jersey
MOUSE *****
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor!
(Especially note the last couple of sentences.)
.
Re: Replacement of Mouse *****.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse ***** are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse ***** should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ***** by examining the underside of the mouse.
.
Domestic ***** will be larger and harder than foreign *****. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign ***** can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic ***** are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse ***** are not usually static sensitive.
.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare ***** for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his ***** should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working ***** is an unhappy customer.
Melting Slicks
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,146
Likes: 203
From: Edmonton Alberta, Canada
Excellent jokes (Peter B) Now I have to wade in.
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and he was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife"
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and he was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife"
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,858
Likes: 30
-
Thank you Brotha. I like that one too Hahahaha
Here's one I remember along those orders... LOl
Ever hear it ?
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade
.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the
dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
Thank you Brotha. I like that one too Hahahaha
Here's one I remember along those orders... LOl
Ever hear it ?
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade
.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the
dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
Le Mans Master
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 7,827
Likes: 2,273
From: Brighton MI
-
Thank you Brotha. I like that one too Hahahaha
Here's one I remember along those orders... LOl
Ever hear it ?
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade
.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the
dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
Thank you Brotha. I like that one too Hahahaha
Here's one I remember along those orders... LOl
Ever hear it ?
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade
.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the
dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
Racer
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 278
Likes: 0
From: Gering Nebraska
A lawyer says to the wealthy
art collector tycoon: "I have some good news
- and I have some bad news”. The tycoon replies: " I’ve
had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first”. The lawyer says: “Your wife
invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are
worth a minimum of $2 million”. The tycoon replies
enthusiastically: “Well done! ! Very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the
bad news?”; The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you screwing your
secretary”.
art collector tycoon: "I have some good news
- and I have some bad news”. The tycoon replies: " I’ve
had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first”. The lawyer says: “Your wife
invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are
worth a minimum of $2 million”. The tycoon replies
enthusiastically: “Well done! ! Very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the
bad news?”; The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you screwing your
secretary”.