OIL CHANGE

"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00

"Oil Change Instructions For Men"

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00
for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to local shop to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer; drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up looking after 15 minutes and use crescent
wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; burn hand in
hot oil, get it all over your clothes in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up looking after 10 minutes, poke oil filter
with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up to lend technical support, helps
finish case of beer; unanimous committee decision to
finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11
& 18.
20) Beer. No, wait a minute -- drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer (or have the wife go buy
it)
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in
the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift through muck for drain plug.
29) Mutter under breath about first quart of fresh
oil, now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with crescent wrench while tightening drain
plug, bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to thrown
wrench damaging Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
35) Beer me.
36) Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required
to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Another beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the
influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail; retrieve car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$27.50 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (the colors have
to match!!!!)
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
$2,379.50 Fines and court costs
$3,732.00 Total

 

Sounds about right to me :yesnod:

 

LMAO. Thats pretty close.

 

That was pretty good!! :D :D :D

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Life is great, especially in a Vette!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :jester

 

wrong, Wrong, WRONG!

Don't you know we're METRIC now?! :lol:

Now, where's my :cheers:

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :cheers:

 

[QUOTE]
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.


wrong, Wrong, WRONG!

Don't you know we're METRIC now?! :lol:

That would call for 2 beers! :cheers: :cheers:

 

You forgot point 2a. in the women's category : Wink ;) at the technicians while wearing tight, low cut t-top :eek: That is usually worth a nice discount :D
You guys are sooo much fun :yesnod:

 

Thanks. That sounds about right. I sent it to my father. While I don't think he's ever had this much fun changing oil, he's come close on plumbing a few times.. Oh, and I've gotten pretty close as well on a few "minor" home repairs now that I have my own house.

 

:lol: :D

 

:cheers:

 

That's great! As they say, "Been there, done that." On the other hand, I have had the following things done to my various cars by various oil-change places:
Damaged underside by improper lifting
Put 9 qts of oil in a 4 qt engine (!)
Used wrong oil (multiple times)
Used wrong oil filter
Used wrong air filter
Forgot to change filter
Stripped crankcase threads by overtightening drain plug
Bent dipstick
Forgot to replace dipstick
Forgot to replace oil cap
Broke air filter housing when checking air filter
Put 42 psi of air in tires
Told me I needed an engine flush because 3,200/2 months miles since last oil change

My nerves couldn't take the strain of watching these subhumans at work, so now the only person who changes my oil is the the tech whom I trust to do all the other work on the car.....



[Modified by Gearhead Jim, 10:37 AM 8/22/2001]

 

You are not supposed to throw out your old oil. That is for topping off when your Vette uses a quart every two thousand or so. Plus if you can get your wife to use Mobil 1, you can get drunk, drain hers out, replace it with your old oil, put hers in your Vette and cut your expenses. You gotta work smart in this day and age.

 

Hey HotWheels.
Didn't you forget about the CAT being injured by the wrench falling to the floor after it deflected off the left Tah-Tah of Miss December?
Additional cost of $310.00 for the Vet to remove the wrench from the cat's left ear!
Oh, plus $1.59 in laundry detergent, water and electricity to clean and dry oil soaked clothes. :crazy:
Plus cost of the wife's phone call to her mother to complain that your taking two days to change oil again, $4.80. :bs

 

:lol: Sounds about right.

 

42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Curse at the damage you did to the car, have another beer, jack car up again.....