People with Problems
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
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From: Medford NY
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Although we've only known each other for a short while, I always thought you and Debbie were a very cute couple, I'm so sorry to hear about your split. I agree with Love my Car, it must've been very tough on your relationship with Debbie to have all that other stuff going on in the background. Like Jay said, you just have to follow your heart and do what will make you and those around you the happiest.
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
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From: Medford NY
Some benefits of being a victim:
1. It exempts you from having to take action.
2. People feel sorry for you and have pity parties for you-and that makes you feel good, wanted, accepted and loved.
3. You never have to make tough decisions.
4. You don't feel obligated to do anything great in life; "the thing" that happened is responsible for the way you are.
5. For the rest of your life, you can comfortably believe that your failures are directly connected to what someone else did to you, and you can blame them.
People love to be victims because of these benefits.
Of all the gifts God grants us , the most powerful is choice. What you chose now determines what you enjoy tomorrow. What you decide not to choose also determines what you will never have in this lifetime. The quality of your life-or lack of qualiy-is your choice. And this is all about you taking personal responsibility for what you do.
Everything you have, don't have, or ever will have in life is because of the choices you make. The average person takes the stance of the victim-that is, that life happens to them.
No one in life is your problem. You may say, "My mother wasn't there for me," or "My Dad talked to me like I was crap." That may be true but they are not your problem. Your wife, your girlfriend, your children, are not your problem. These are people, they are not problems. The only
difficulties there are in life are the ones that you appoint. No one is your problem. You take responsibility for everything.You are in control.
You alone are in the drivers seat-no one else.
These thoughts came from a book called, "The Compassionate Samurai"
by Brian Klemmer, a West Poit graduate. If you are a reader, you might want to read it. The book also contains many other ideas that I felt were good.
777
1. It exempts you from having to take action.
2. People feel sorry for you and have pity parties for you-and that makes you feel good, wanted, accepted and loved.
3. You never have to make tough decisions.
4. You don't feel obligated to do anything great in life; "the thing" that happened is responsible for the way you are.
5. For the rest of your life, you can comfortably believe that your failures are directly connected to what someone else did to you, and you can blame them.
People love to be victims because of these benefits.
Of all the gifts God grants us , the most powerful is choice. What you chose now determines what you enjoy tomorrow. What you decide not to choose also determines what you will never have in this lifetime. The quality of your life-or lack of qualiy-is your choice. And this is all about you taking personal responsibility for what you do.
Everything you have, don't have, or ever will have in life is because of the choices you make. The average person takes the stance of the victim-that is, that life happens to them.
No one in life is your problem. You may say, "My mother wasn't there for me," or "My Dad talked to me like I was crap." That may be true but they are not your problem. Your wife, your girlfriend, your children, are not your problem. These are people, they are not problems. The only
difficulties there are in life are the ones that you appoint. No one is your problem. You take responsibility for everything.You are in control.
You alone are in the drivers seat-no one else.
These thoughts came from a book called, "The Compassionate Samurai"
by Brian Klemmer, a West Poit graduate. If you are a reader, you might want to read it. The book also contains many other ideas that I felt were good.
777
You know, it feels good to hear someone say it like it is. Through all the last year or so, everyone tries to say the right thing and in the end it means very little. This post was incredible. I never looked at it from this perspective. How many $15 copays did it cost me to hear BS from my first therapist? My current therapist is a lot like you. Tells it like it is. Many of you have given the tough advice, basically **** or get off the pot. I'm tired of playing the victim (and I didn't even realize I was being the victim). Thank you so much for this wisdom. and, by the way, I love to read and just moved that book to the next in the queue.
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
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From: Medford NY
I've been thru this myself and I can say that until you make the complete break from your wife, you will never be able to give yourself to anyone else. I contribute to the forum alot (mostly general C6 section) and I know we don't know each other. However, you have to handle the wife thing first so you and your kids can move on elsewhere. My kids were 7 and 5 at the time my wife and I split. They are now 23 and 21 and love our new partners completely. As long as the kids are shown the love from both sides, everyone will get along.
If you don't mind, is your wife over it as you left her?
Al
If you don't mind, is your wife over it as you left her?
Al
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
Likes: 0
From: Medford NY
I'm agreeing with the people advising you to take care of yourself first.
A very simple analogy... when the crew on an airplane advises what to do in case of emergency, the life vest and/or oxygen or whatever procedure should be done to YOURSELF before your children if they're with you. Typing that out, it sounds like a crazy stretch to make that comparison, but the bottom line gist is the same. You won't be able to help anyone else if you're in that bad of shape.
Good luck with the situation, and I hope things get better in the near future.
A very simple analogy... when the crew on an airplane advises what to do in case of emergency, the life vest and/or oxygen or whatever procedure should be done to YOURSELF before your children if they're with you. Typing that out, it sounds like a crazy stretch to make that comparison, but the bottom line gist is the same. You won't be able to help anyone else if you're in that bad of shape.
Good luck with the situation, and I hope things get better in the near future.
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
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From: Medford NY
When one door closes, another one opens if you let it.
I went through a breakup/divorce back in 1991. It was the final blow in what turned out to be a really bad 12 month period for me. First I lost my mother to a long ugly battle with cancer, then my father to a sudden heart attack, and then the breakup. My head was spinning.
Looking back though I have to admit that I was pretty miserable in the marriage and don't know why I stayed as long as I did.
There was a turning point for me as I was driving home in a snowstorm one night and I remember thinking to myself that things could only get better, and they did. A couple of years later I was married to my current wife, we have two great healthy kids, and we're all very happy.
As it turned out, the ex wound up sort of working for me indirectly for a while several years after the divorce. She was still pretty unhappy, hadn't been re-married yet (although she had been in a couple of bad relationships after our divorce), and realized that she was now too old to ever have kids (which is something she always wanted). I haven't run in to her now in about five or six years, and I hope she's doing well, but I'll bet that not much has changed because I've found that habitually unhappy people usually stay that way.
My philosphy: You're only as happy as you want to be.
Hang in there, things will get better if you want them to and you let them!
I went through a breakup/divorce back in 1991. It was the final blow in what turned out to be a really bad 12 month period for me. First I lost my mother to a long ugly battle with cancer, then my father to a sudden heart attack, and then the breakup. My head was spinning.
Looking back though I have to admit that I was pretty miserable in the marriage and don't know why I stayed as long as I did.
There was a turning point for me as I was driving home in a snowstorm one night and I remember thinking to myself that things could only get better, and they did. A couple of years later I was married to my current wife, we have two great healthy kids, and we're all very happy.
As it turned out, the ex wound up sort of working for me indirectly for a while several years after the divorce. She was still pretty unhappy, hadn't been re-married yet (although she had been in a couple of bad relationships after our divorce), and realized that she was now too old to ever have kids (which is something she always wanted). I haven't run in to her now in about five or six years, and I hope she's doing well, but I'll bet that not much has changed because I've found that habitually unhappy people usually stay that way.
My philosphy: You're only as happy as you want to be.
Hang in there, things will get better if you want them to and you let them!
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
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From: Medford NY
Melting Slicks
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,741
Likes: 404
From: Long Island NY
My wife is self centered and always has been. She wants to be able to show off the big house and all our other possessions that I have provided for my family over the years. Passion, intimacy, and the feeling of deep love were never as important as material possessions, what others thought of our "success" and the security my paycheck provided. I did the right thing all along while she allowed me to basically raise the kids on my own (she was there in body but left the tough stuff for me.) I was a good father and she was a poor mother. Hate to say it but even my kids would agree. The whole trouble I've had is my need to do the right thing for my family, including her. Why??? God only knows at this point. I suppose I'm the classic case of staying in the marriage for the kids sake. I had to give up the only woman I really ever loved in life but I will move on having obtained valuable insight from my realtionship with her. (It's a long story, but our relationship is actually nearly four years old). When I check the marital status box, I have to check, "It's complicated". So, to answer your question, my wife wants me back, and says she loves me but I believe in my heart she has been fine through all this because I haven't cut off the cash flow. My friends that know us both well agree with me. She will only feel the pain when the cash flow stops. She wants me back, but not for the afore mentioned needs of passion, intimacy and love of life that I shared with Debbie. Guess that kind of tells you where my heart is relative to my wife.
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Drifting
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,365
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From: Marlton NJ
St. Jude Donor '08-'09-'10
I can help with two of the three "lingo" questions you had.... ttt and bump are basically the same thing, with ttt being (I THINK) "to the top" and bump meaning the same... if a post gets old and drops down the list of posts, it kind of gets lost or forgotten... someone will just make a post saying "ttt" and that thread is back at the top of the forum list for people who may have missed it, or forgot about it.
No idea about what that GTG is..
No idea about what that GTG is..
Team Owner
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 26,900
Likes: 2
From: Bann Camp & N.Y.C.
St. Jude Donor '08
I don't know if we ever met on any CFNE runs or not, anyways my name is Ed. When you first posted this thread, I didnt think much of it as just a guy that tried to have the best of both, a wife to take care of the house & kids and a girlfriend to take care of you
It's the ultamate adrelin feeling rush to do something & get away with......It's human nature.
But with some more info you posted, Now I'm kinda reading into this and I see the big picture, which you can't. You can't see it, cause you have tunnel vision and it's impossible for you. From the sidelines AND emotion FREE I can see a clearer picture. In your recent posts, you are starting to answer your own questions, but you don't want to accept them......
Let's start with how I see it......
Lets start with this statement, Women can never be friends with other women!!!
Debbie was your wifes friend, she spent time with your wife, she spent time in your house, your kids and she was a family friend. What kind of woman (Debbie) would try to take a man away from a family that she is friends with? Further more, what kind of woman would live with a man thats still married? As you say you are doing financially well,
AND THATS WHAT DEBBIE WANT TOO!!!!!!
Debbie is jelous of that your wife posseses, "big house, family, material things, $$$$ and you" Debbie didnt care about spreading her legs to take away something from her friend (your wife).....This is what I think of Debbie.
If Debbie was sinsere, she would tell you, after you file for divorce, we can live together, but she didnt.........
More tough advise 
You are not a victim!!!!! You had an affair with your wife's friend....which is 1000 times worse if you were having an affair with a woman that no one knew that woman. "It takes 2 to tango" .....you would have been a victim if Debbie came on to you, and you told her you didnt want any part of it and told your wife of what happened...
But men are men
..."we hunt" and want to see of how much we can get away with. Debbie had her own mission, and that was to live the life style your wife was living...... But lots of flirting and "new" kitty, took emotion on you......and thats when things got confusing for you........ I don't know if one can have TRUE feeling/love for 2 women at the sametime (unless they are both with you in one bed
) Women are pretty sharp, and thats why Debbie took off, cause deep down she knows you still love your wife and the fear of you going back at anytime. Debbie had nothing to lose. You have a lot too lose...... so it was kinda easy for Debbie to walk away/end it. You say 27yrs is hard to break away from....sure, but if you werent happy already and there was no love, you would have not looked back and Debbie would still be around........but like I said, women are pretty sharp and sence it.
I call 
If thats true, you would have a clear head handling this......"moving some assets" & preparing for a divorce. But for some reason you can't move on from your wife? ........
I remember many many yrs ago, my boss once gave me the facts of life, that his grandmother(Italian) gave him when he was getting married........"where theres no money, theres no honey" The Chinese have a similar saying" No tickie, No shirty"......Jewish people say, a key to a sucsessfull marrige is, "A man must make more money than a wife can spend"
So to say you "provided" income and she spent it.........is nothing out of the ordinary......the grass is not greener on the other side.
....."it's cheaper to keep 'em"
I believe your wife still loves you, and is sincere about taking you back...... If a man cheats, it's just for a thrill...if a woman cheats thats because she is emotionally empty and is looking for someone else to fill it. If your wife didnt care about you and only cared about your paycheck, she would have been the one telling you to GTHO of the house and file for divorce...
Divorced or not, she would still get a part of your check.....so you can't say, you'll cut off the cash
OK, everyone wants to be happy. You almost want to call your lawyer? Why havent you did that the day you walked out on your wife? and would have been "happily ever after" with Debbie? what is it?
deep down, you wanted both. Debbie had other plans, she wanted to live your wife's lifestyle.....
First things first: DO NOT CALL ANY LAWYERS!!!! They will tell you, not to pay any bills, let everything go in default, file for BK.....eff them.
how to handle it: find a place to live on your own. You need to clear your head out for a few months....... and then things will fall into place.....weather will it be with your wife, Debbie or someone else.....
sorry to be so harsh, Im not flaming you..it is what it. You did say you want to be happy, there is no answer to it right now....the dust must settle, scars must heal. And happiness will come......your kids said it best "My children despise her. They are ok with me leaving my wife, but not to go to her."
It's the ultamate adrelin feeling rush to do something & get away with......It's human nature.But with some more info you posted, Now I'm kinda reading into this and I see the big picture, which you can't. You can't see it, cause you have tunnel vision and it's impossible for you. From the sidelines AND emotion FREE I can see a clearer picture. In your recent posts, you are starting to answer your own questions, but you don't want to accept them......
Let's start with how I see it......
I left my wife the day after Thanksgiving 2007 basically for the girl I've lived with for the past year. Some of you know Debbie. She was my wifes good friend and mine as well. Things happened and one thing led to another. Well, this past week Debbie and I broke up in a very bad deal primarily because I could not 100% mentally disconnect from my wife of 27 years. I have not been able for a year and a half been able to make the break from my wife that Debbie deserved. She tried her best to tolerte me and help me trhrough but in the end I blew it. I love Debbie dearly but circumstances made it nearly impossible to have the relationship we most certainly could have if it were not for our history with my wife. My children despise her. They are ok with me leaving my wife, but not to go to her. Now, she is gone. I have no partner for events. We loved doing that together. We had so much in common and really enjoyed living life. I am as confused as hell. Do I divorce my wife and move on ? Did I do the right thing with Debbie ?.... Anyone who has been down this road maybe knows. .
Debbie was your wifes friend, she spent time with your wife, she spent time in your house, your kids and she was a family friend. What kind of woman (Debbie) would try to take a man away from a family that she is friends with? Further more, what kind of woman would live with a man thats still married? As you say you are doing financially well,
She wants to be able to show off the big house and all our other possessions that I have provided
Debbie is jelous of that your wife posseses, "big house, family, material things, $$$$ and you" Debbie didnt care about spreading her legs to take away something from her friend (your wife).....This is what I think of Debbie.
If Debbie was sinsere, she would tell you, after you file for divorce, we can live together, but she didnt.........
Many of you have given the tough advice, basically **** or get off the pot. I'm tired of playing the victim (and I didn't even realize I was being the victim). Thank you so much for this wisdom. and, by the way, I love to read and just moved that book to the next in the queue.
You are not a victim!!!!! You had an affair with your wife's friend....which is 1000 times worse if you were having an affair with a woman that no one knew that woman. "It takes 2 to tango" .....you would have been a victim if Debbie came on to you, and you told her you didnt want any part of it and told your wife of what happened...
But men are men
..."we hunt" and want to see of how much we can get away with. Debbie had her own mission, and that was to live the life style your wife was living...... But lots of flirting and "new" kitty, took emotion on you......and thats when things got confusing for you........ I don't know if one can have TRUE feeling/love for 2 women at the sametime (unless they are both with you in one bed) Women are pretty sharp, and thats why Debbie took off, cause deep down she knows you still love your wife and the fear of you going back at anytime. Debbie had nothing to lose. You have a lot too lose...... so it was kinda easy for Debbie to walk away/end it. You say 27yrs is hard to break away from....sure, but if you werent happy already and there was no love, you would have not looked back and Debbie would still be around........but like I said, women are pretty sharp and sence it.My wife is self centered and always has been. She wants to be able to show off the big house and all our other possessions that I have provided for my family over the years. Passion, intimacy, and the feeling of deep love were never as important as material possessions, what others thought of our "success" and the security my paycheck provided. I did the right thing all along while she allowed me to basically raise the kids on my own (she was there in body but left the tough stuff for me.) I was a good father and she was a poor mother. Hate to say it but even my kids would agree. The whole trouble I've had is my need to do the right thing for my family, including her. Why??? God only knows at this point. I suppose I'm the classic case of staying in the marriage for the kids sake. I had to give up the only woman I really ever loved in life but I will move on having obtained valuable insight from my realtionship with her. (It's a long story, but our relationship is actually nearly four years old). When I check the marital status box, I have to check, "It's complicated". So, to answer your question, my wife wants me back, and says she loves me but I believe in my heart she has been fine through all this because I haven't cut off the cash flow. My friends that know us both well agree with me. She will only feel the pain when the cash flow stops. She wants me back, but not for the afore mentioned needs of passion, intimacy and love of life that I shared with Debbie. Guess that kind of tells you where my heart is relative to my wife.
If thats true, you would have a clear head handling this......"moving some assets" & preparing for a divorce. But for some reason you can't move on from your wife? ........
I remember many many yrs ago, my boss once gave me the facts of life, that his grandmother(Italian) gave him when he was getting married........"where theres no money, theres no honey" The Chinese have a similar saying" No tickie, No shirty"......Jewish people say, a key to a sucsessfull marrige is, "A man must make more money than a wife can spend"
So to say you "provided" income and she spent it.........is nothing out of the ordinary......the grass is not greener on the other side.
....."it's cheaper to keep 'em"
I believe your wife still loves you, and is sincere about taking you back...... If a man cheats, it's just for a thrill...if a woman cheats thats because she is emotionally empty and is looking for someone else to fill it. If your wife didnt care about you and only cared about your paycheck, she would have been the one telling you to GTHO of the house and file for divorce...
Divorced or not, she would still get a part of your check.....so you can't say, you'll cut off the cash
deep down, you wanted both. Debbie had other plans, she wanted to live your wife's lifestyle.....
First things first: DO NOT CALL ANY LAWYERS!!!! They will tell you, not to pay any bills, let everything go in default, file for BK.....eff them.
how to handle it: find a place to live on your own. You need to clear your head out for a few months....... and then things will fall into place.....weather will it be with your wife, Debbie or someone else.....
sorry to be so harsh, Im not flaming you..it is what it. You did say you want to be happy, there is no answer to it right now....the dust must settle, scars must heal. And happiness will come......your kids said it best "My children despise her. They are ok with me leaving my wife, but not to go to her."
Le Mans Master
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 9,600
Likes: 88
From: Springfield PA
Philly 'Burbs Events Coordinator
A statistic I heard not too long ago was if you are in a relationship and cheat, it is very rare to end up being with the one you cheated with. You have to end one relationship before starting a new one.
Le Mans Master
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,894
Likes: 1
From: Farmingdale NY
St. Jude Donor '06
The only other thing I can say right now is that I have never, ever, taken a step back in relationships. Not even for a booty call (although it's been tempting). I've never seen the point, and don't know of many (if any) who gave it a second try and had it work out.
Race Director
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,078
Likes: 2
From: Palm Coast, FL
St. Jude Donor '08-'09-'10-'11-'12
I'm glad I waited a bit to post here......I've been following your thread for a day or two now and while I agree with a lot of what has been said, there are a few points that I don't agree with.
First of all.......I don't believe that ALL men cheat simply for the sake of the thrill. Some, yes, but to lump them all into that category implies that they are all just horrible human beings. Not the case. Just like women, if there is something missing in the marriage, they will seek it out elsewhere, be it an emotional connection, sex, companionship.....whatever. Sounds to me like your marriage had problems for a long time. Problems that neither of you took steps to try to solve - this is why you can't seem to find any closure there. She was emotionally detached from you - just two people living together. Believe it or not, some women are simply incapable of a deep connection - something you obviously wanted and needed. Debbie was someone that provided what you were missing.
Second, I don't agree that you won't end up with the person you cheated with. Regardless of what brought you together, there WAS and IS a connection there on some deeper level (I think). But before you can go with that.....like I said above, you need to be satisfied that you did all you could do to save the marriage - then you won't have these torn back and forth feelings. So first, you need to deal with that. Did you do all you could? If the answer is no.......then I suggest you and your wife get some counseling - if that doesn't work, then it's time to walk. And I DO believe its possible to have love for more than one person.......remember that love means different things when expressed to different people. You say "I love you" to your wife, because you can't be married to someone for 27 years and not love them. You say "I love you" to the other woman and it means something completely different. "I love you" means something different to each person you say it to.
I realize you still love your wife and after the amount of time you've been together, you'd be hard pressed to say you don't. But hear me loud and clear.......loving someone is not enough. You have to be IN love.....you have to have a solid foundation of friendship, companionship and respect. Without that.......you have nothing. Because when the thrill of that beginning of relationship fades......you must be left with someone you can talk to, laugh with, want to be with - someone that you feel good with even if you sit in silence for hours. Think about it......
Last, I have to agree with JVM - never take a step backward once you've made that decision. Its like going to the refrigerator, taking out a milk container and smelling it only to find it spoiled so you put it back. Next day you go back and take out the same carton of milk - do you REALLY think its going to smell any better the 2nd time??? Remember that there's a reason you left in the first place - once we reach a certain age, we can not change who we are for the most part. Your friend is right.....zebra's do not change their stripes.
So......be satisfied that you did all you could and if it still doesn't work.....walk away!! YES it's going to hurt, but YES you will heal. Some things and some people need to be left in the past.......there's a reason they didn't make it to the future. 27 years is a long time to throw away........but it doesn't mean the right choice is to stay. And never, ever stay for the kids........you are doing them more harm than good in the long run. Children need to be brought up seeing love and affection in their home, not just two people existing. Just because you don't fight, doesn't mean you're still not hurting them. They have to be taught the "right" way how a relationship is suppose to be......and that is an equal partnership with two people who express outwardly their desire to be together.
I wish you luck.......it's never easy. Hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away from a 13 year marriage but I did it for the right reasons. It was difficult on my son, who was four at the time, but we are very happy now. Life was much "easier" with him around - I didn't have to struggle so hard........but at the end of the day I was not happy. I may not have much now in the way of material items, hell I can barely pay my bills sometimes........but I can honestly say......I'm happy and I know I made the right decision. I did ALL I could and it wasn't enough.
First of all.......I don't believe that ALL men cheat simply for the sake of the thrill. Some, yes, but to lump them all into that category implies that they are all just horrible human beings. Not the case. Just like women, if there is something missing in the marriage, they will seek it out elsewhere, be it an emotional connection, sex, companionship.....whatever. Sounds to me like your marriage had problems for a long time. Problems that neither of you took steps to try to solve - this is why you can't seem to find any closure there. She was emotionally detached from you - just two people living together. Believe it or not, some women are simply incapable of a deep connection - something you obviously wanted and needed. Debbie was someone that provided what you were missing.
Second, I don't agree that you won't end up with the person you cheated with. Regardless of what brought you together, there WAS and IS a connection there on some deeper level (I think). But before you can go with that.....like I said above, you need to be satisfied that you did all you could do to save the marriage - then you won't have these torn back and forth feelings. So first, you need to deal with that. Did you do all you could? If the answer is no.......then I suggest you and your wife get some counseling - if that doesn't work, then it's time to walk. And I DO believe its possible to have love for more than one person.......remember that love means different things when expressed to different people. You say "I love you" to your wife, because you can't be married to someone for 27 years and not love them. You say "I love you" to the other woman and it means something completely different. "I love you" means something different to each person you say it to.
I realize you still love your wife and after the amount of time you've been together, you'd be hard pressed to say you don't. But hear me loud and clear.......loving someone is not enough. You have to be IN love.....you have to have a solid foundation of friendship, companionship and respect. Without that.......you have nothing. Because when the thrill of that beginning of relationship fades......you must be left with someone you can talk to, laugh with, want to be with - someone that you feel good with even if you sit in silence for hours. Think about it......
Last, I have to agree with JVM - never take a step backward once you've made that decision. Its like going to the refrigerator, taking out a milk container and smelling it only to find it spoiled so you put it back. Next day you go back and take out the same carton of milk - do you REALLY think its going to smell any better the 2nd time??? Remember that there's a reason you left in the first place - once we reach a certain age, we can not change who we are for the most part. Your friend is right.....zebra's do not change their stripes.
So......be satisfied that you did all you could and if it still doesn't work.....walk away!! YES it's going to hurt, but YES you will heal. Some things and some people need to be left in the past.......there's a reason they didn't make it to the future. 27 years is a long time to throw away........but it doesn't mean the right choice is to stay. And never, ever stay for the kids........you are doing them more harm than good in the long run. Children need to be brought up seeing love and affection in their home, not just two people existing. Just because you don't fight, doesn't mean you're still not hurting them. They have to be taught the "right" way how a relationship is suppose to be......and that is an equal partnership with two people who express outwardly their desire to be together.
I wish you luck.......it's never easy. Hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away from a 13 year marriage but I did it for the right reasons. It was difficult on my son, who was four at the time, but we are very happy now. Life was much "easier" with him around - I didn't have to struggle so hard........but at the end of the day I was not happy. I may not have much now in the way of material items, hell I can barely pay my bills sometimes........but I can honestly say......I'm happy and I know I made the right decision. I did ALL I could and it wasn't enough.
Melting Slicks
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,482
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From: *MIDDLETOWN NY* "I thought I was an OLD-GUY, till I met Charlie"
That is all
OH S#@% thats your line
never mind!!
Drifting
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,917
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From: Where are we?
Cruise-In IX Veteran
What a thread. It's been a really bad week for me too. I know all to well how you feel. I have known my Jamie for 20 years but we were married to different people. In fact, she and my wife used to work together for a while. Jamie got divorced a year later than I did. We both looked at each other and said "well, what are we gonna do now". We hung out together for quite a while until she met someone and married him. Her new husband (a cop) didn't like me because I knew Jamie better than he did. She was forbidden to see me. To make a long story short. Six years later, Jamie left her new husband and came to live with me. She moved all her stuff into my apartment and has lived with me happily for seven months now. We had a blast. She enjoyed going on our Corvette runs. We went to Florida and I bought a house there hoping we both were to start a new life there. Life was easy because we already had 20 years of history of knowing each other.
Three weeks ago she went to visit her family who live in Buffalo. Jamie and her husband own a house in Buffalo and it is up for sale since they are dissolving their marriage. Her husband drove up to Buffalo a few days later so that they could move things out of their house and decide who gets what.
While Jamie was visiting Buffalo, She would call me at least 3 times a day. The calls suddenly stopped last Sunday. I kept calling and left voice mail. Then, this past Friday (my birthday), She called me to tell me that she won't be coming back. She is gonna reconcile with her husband. My heart dropped to my knees. Debbie, Jamie is reaching in the refrigerator hoping the milk will smell better.
I told her that next weekend would be an excellent time to get all her belongings out of my apartment. I'm not gonna be her fool anymore. Anyone wanna come over and keep me company next week while she moves her stuff out and keep me from doing something stupid?
This one birthday I'll never forget.
Three weeks ago she went to visit her family who live in Buffalo. Jamie and her husband own a house in Buffalo and it is up for sale since they are dissolving their marriage. Her husband drove up to Buffalo a few days later so that they could move things out of their house and decide who gets what.
While Jamie was visiting Buffalo, She would call me at least 3 times a day. The calls suddenly stopped last Sunday. I kept calling and left voice mail. Then, this past Friday (my birthday), She called me to tell me that she won't be coming back. She is gonna reconcile with her husband. My heart dropped to my knees. Debbie, Jamie is reaching in the refrigerator hoping the milk will smell better.
I told her that next weekend would be an excellent time to get all her belongings out of my apartment. I'm not gonna be her fool anymore. Anyone wanna come over and keep me company next week while she moves her stuff out and keep me from doing something stupid?
This one birthday I'll never forget.
Team Owner
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 124,318
Likes: 283
From: .... NJ
Cruise-In VII Veteran
St. Jude Donor '05 thru '19
That just sucks big time that she did that, it is just not meant to be Danny, don't look back and move on a head. 
She sounds like this girl I would see on and off since the 90s, she would see me when she was sort of involved with someone. Then when I was seeing someone else she would be free and want to start a relationship with me. She got married and now that I got married she sends me IMs saying how her husband abuses her and that we should have been together. It was like I was her back up guy when things were not going good for her. I just say to her good luck since I moved on and I am happy now.
On a shellfish note does this mean you will be staying here and not moving to FL so you will be riding with the NE woolpack again this summer?
She sounds like this girl I would see on and off since the 90s, she would see me when she was sort of involved with someone. Then when I was seeing someone else she would be free and want to start a relationship with me. She got married and now that I got married she sends me IMs saying how her husband abuses her and that we should have been together. It was like I was her back up guy when things were not going good for her. I just say to her good luck since I moved on and I am happy now.
On a shellfish note does this mean you will be staying here and not moving to FL so you will be riding with the NE woolpack again this summer?
What a thread. It's been a really bad week for me too. I know all to well how you feel. I have known my Jamie for 20 years but we were married to different people. In fact, she and my wife used to work together for a while. Jamie got divorced a year later than I did. We both looked at each other and said "well, what are we gonna do now". We hung out together for quite a while until she met someone and married him. Her new husband (a cop) didn't like me because I knew Jamie better than he did. She was forbidden to see me. To make a long story short. Six years later, Jamie left her new husband and came to live with me. She moved all her stuff into my apartment and has lived with me happily for seven months now. We had a blast. She enjoyed going on our Corvette runs. We went to Florida and I bought a house there hoping we both were to start a new life there. Life was easy because we already had 20 years of history of knowing each other.
Three weeks ago she went to visit her family who live in Buffalo. Jamie and her husband own a house in Buffalo and it is up for sale since they are dissolving their marriage. Her husband drove up to Buffalo a few days later so that they could move things out of their house and decide who gets what.
While Jamie was visiting Buffalo, She would call me at least 3 times a day. The calls suddenly stopped last Sunday. I kept calling and left voice mail. Then, this past Friday (my birthday), She called me to tell me that she won't be coming back. She is gonna reconcile with her husband. My heart dropped to my knees. Debbie, Jamie is reaching in the refrigerator hoping the milk will smell better.
I told her that next weekend would be an excellent time to get all her belongings out of my apartment. I'm not gonna be her fool anymore. Anyone wanna come over and keep me company next week while she moves her stuff out and keep me from doing something stupid?
This one birthday I'll never forget.
Three weeks ago she went to visit her family who live in Buffalo. Jamie and her husband own a house in Buffalo and it is up for sale since they are dissolving their marriage. Her husband drove up to Buffalo a few days later so that they could move things out of their house and decide who gets what.
While Jamie was visiting Buffalo, She would call me at least 3 times a day. The calls suddenly stopped last Sunday. I kept calling and left voice mail. Then, this past Friday (my birthday), She called me to tell me that she won't be coming back. She is gonna reconcile with her husband. My heart dropped to my knees. Debbie, Jamie is reaching in the refrigerator hoping the milk will smell better.
I told her that next weekend would be an excellent time to get all her belongings out of my apartment. I'm not gonna be her fool anymore. Anyone wanna come over and keep me company next week while she moves her stuff out and keep me from doing something stupid?
This one birthday I'll never forget.
Thread Starter
Instructor
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 134
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From: Medford NY
Damn, I was just reading the Billy thread and was thinking about how trivial my problem is compared to such a matter as facing serious illness or worse. Thank you to all of you again for taking the time to offer such heartfelt advice. Believe it or not, my story is far more complicated than I have even revealed. Oddly, my wife encouraged my relationship with Debbie and knew about it the whole time, while she was in a relationship with another of our mutual friends. OMG, I must sound like a freak. I'm really not - in reality, we stayed in a marriage that wasn't working for too long and this "situation" came upon us for one reason or another. I look back and tell myself it all happens for a reason. I will focus on my relationships with my kids, will take care of me, and feel confident now that what I have learned about myself through this will allow me to make good decisions in the future and more quickly recognize and correct more quickly those that I may make that aren't so smart...
Danny, I am so sorry - I so feel your pain... You are blessed to have this community as a support system. Keep the music playing loud and take care of YOU !!!
Danny, I am so sorry - I so feel your pain... You are blessed to have this community as a support system. Keep the music playing loud and take care of YOU !!!