Ok, so I'm not really a regular contributor but read the posts daily. I have attended a few events with my ex-gilfriend but have found it a little tough to crack the inner circle. Many of you have been together for years. Well, I just read the Alex thread, and I too was wondering where he'd been and had no idea why. Something somebody said prompted me to reach out in my time of need.

I left my wife the day after Thanksgiving 2007 basically for the girl I've lived with for the past year. Some of you know Debbie. She was my wifes good friend and mine as well. Things happened and one thing led to another. Well, this past week Debbie and I broke up in a very bad deal primarily because I could not 100% mentally disconnect from my wife of 27 years. I have not been able for a year and a half been able to make the break from my wife that Debbie deserved. She tried her best to tolerte me and help me trhrough but in the end I blew it. I love Debbie dearly but circumstances made it nearly impossible to have the relationship we most certainly could have if it were not for our history with my wife. My children despise her. They are ok with me leaving my wife, but not to go to her. Now, she is gone. I have no partner for events. We loved doing that together. We had so much in common and really enjoyed living life. I am as confused as hell. Do I divorce my wife and move on ? Did I do the right thing with Debbie ?.... Anyone who has been down this road maybe knows. Bottom line - we all may be having problems in our personal lives that don't always surface on the forum. Nobody should judge or be critical. To me its a safe place to share if you wish. My problem has always been trying to get through my **** alone. (Is that word aloud ??) So, I'm went back to my therapist and I'm talkng to friends and family to try to keep my sanity. Why not type a post into cyberspace in the hopes of having one more channel of support to help me through this time in my life. I sincerely encourage anyone else that may be trying to go at it alone to consider banging away at the keyboard. Just typing this post helped me in a small way... Anyway, sorry to be posting more depressing news but what the hell. Those few of you I've met have been awesome.

 

You have to do what you feel is right in your own mind and heart as you alone have to answer to yourself everyday.

One mans pleasure is another ones poison.

All I can say is that when the weather breaks and if it can be afforded by the members come join us in a GTG.

 

I remember when I first started coming around, I felt like no one wanted to talk to me.
Well, seven years later, and they still don't want to talk to me.

Keep coming around, it takes a little time, but it's worth it.

 

I just finished reading your post.I know first hand how it feels when your kids dont like a girlfreind.Iwas married 25 years wife wanted out.........I was floored.while our marrage wasent great towards the end i never saw it comming........Make a long story short.I pushed for a divorce,met a wonderful lady that made me feel whole again.My daughter hated her,for no reason,other than just not liking her,It broke us up,but we reconeted and my daughter and her are good freinds today................................... .......In the end by you not braking away from your wife,it has to put ALOT of pressure on your girl and you for that matter.......................I wish you well my vette brother.We all have to do what WE feel is right.Pehaps you still want to get back with your wife,only you can answer that.I know i couldnt,so that was the easy part..............Life is SHORT...........Dont beat yourself up....................When i was having bad days id grab my keys,take the top off and drive............Hence my name.........LOVE MY CAR.........................Peac e......................

 

All of us have been through various challenges in life. We don't have time to get into all my stuff, both physical and mental, but suffice to say that I've been where you are in many ways. The best thing you said was that you went back to your therapist. A trained person you trust is the best way to get answers, feedback, and suggestions as to how to get back on track.If you don't have it together, you can't be there for anyone else.
As for your kids, this is what I told my son when his Mom and I split up when he was 5.
"You know that sometimes people change, and someone you were friends with, somehow changed. It isn't anyone's fault, it just happens. Your Mom and I were not happy together. Now, we have a chance to find someone that will make us happy, but no matter what, remember that your Mom and I love you, and THAT will never change. What do you think? Is it better for us to stay together, and be very unhappy, or is it better to be on our own, and find someone we can really be happy with?"
My son thought about it, and said on his own, "I guess it is better this way Dad". My son is now 21, and life goes on.
Everything has a way of working out, just give it time. Hang in there, because it does get better.

Don't listen to Bob. We like him, but we like busting on him too.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Although we've only known each other for a short while, I always thought you and Debbie were a very cute couple, I'm so sorry to hear about your split. I agree with Love my Car, it must've been very tough on your relationship with Debbie to have all that other stuff going on in the background. Like Jay said, you just have to follow your heart and do what will make you and those around you the happiest.

 

The heart wants what the heart wants, only you know who you want to be with, you need to be a man and choose one and hope they feel the same and take you back.

 

Who are you again?

 

I've been thru this myself and I can say that until you make the complete break from your wife, you will never be able to give yourself to anyone else. I contribute to the forum alot (mostly general C6 section) and I know we don't know each other. However, you have to handle the wife thing first so you and your kids can move on elsewhere. My kids were 7 and 5 at the time my wife and I split. They are now 23 and 21 and love our new partners completely. As long as the kids are shown the love from both sides, everyone will get along.

If you don't mind, is your wife over it as you left her?

Al

 

Some benefits of being a victim:

1. It exempts you from having to take action.

2. People feel sorry for you and have pity parties for you-and that makes you feel good, wanted, accepted and loved.

3. You never have to make tough decisions.

4. You don't feel obligated to do anything great in life; "the thing" that happened is responsible for the way you are.

5. For the rest of your life, you can comfortably believe that your failures are directly connected to what someone else did to you, and you can blame them.

People love to be victims because of these benefits.

Of all the gifts God grants us , the most powerful is choice. What you chose now determines what you enjoy tomorrow. What you decide not to choose also determines what you will never have in this lifetime. The quality of your life-or lack of qualiy-is your choice. And this is all about you taking personal responsibility for what you do.

Everything you have, don't have, or ever will have in life is because of the choices you make. The average person takes the stance of the victim-that is, that life happens to them.

No one in life is your problem. You may say, "My mother wasn't there for me," or "My Dad talked to me like I was crap." That may be true but they are not your problem. Your wife, your girlfriend, your children, are not your problem. These are people, they are not problems. The only
difficulties there are in life are the ones that you appoint. No one is your problem. You take responsibility for everything.You are in control.
You alone are in the drivers seat-no one else.

These thoughts came from a book called, "The Compassionate Samurai"
by Brian Klemmer, a West Poit graduate. If you are a reader, you might want to read it. The book also contains many other ideas that I felt were good.

777

 

And in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take............John Lennon-Paul MCartney

 

The question is, will your wife take you back? you left her for her best friend. That would be real hard to swallow

 

Of course your wife and kids have resentment tword the new woman , when it was someone they knew and trusted before .

Suck it up and move on man . Remember , your kids are the most important things in a mans life - You have to hold together for them .

 

thank you ann landers

 

I have to agree with these things. As I said, get YOUR act together first.You can't be there for anyone, if you don't have it together to deal with this for yourself. Then, remember your kids. They had nothing to do with your actions,and choices, but have EVERYTHING to do with your life. They are the priority to care for, after you make sure you're OK.
Going back to someone after all this, is not going to be easy. If you can both get past this, I give you alot of credit. As Josh said, it's probably better to move on. There are alot of great people around. Get out, live your life, and everything falls into place.

 

I'm agreeing with the people advising you to take care of yourself first.

A very simple analogy... when the crew on an airplane advises what to do in case of emergency, the life vest and/or oxygen or whatever procedure should be done to YOURSELF before your children if they're with you. Typing that out, it sounds like a crazy stretch to make that comparison, but the bottom line gist is the same. You won't be able to help anyone else if you're in that bad of shape.

Good luck with the situation, and I hope things get better in the near future.

 

When one door closes, another one opens if you let it.
I went through a breakup/divorce back in 1991. It was the final blow in what turned out to be a really bad 12 month period for me. First I lost my mother to a long ugly battle with cancer, then my father to a sudden heart attack, and then the breakup. My head was spinning.
Looking back though I have to admit that I was pretty miserable in the marriage and don't know why I stayed as long as I did.
There was a turning point for me as I was driving home in a snowstorm one night and I remember thinking to myself that things could only get better, and they did. A couple of years later I was married to my current wife, we have two great healthy kids, and we're all very happy.
As it turned out, the ex wound up sort of working for me indirectly for a while several years after the divorce. She was still pretty unhappy, hadn't been re-married yet (although she had been in a couple of bad relationships after our divorce), and realized that she was now too old to ever have kids (which is something she always wanted). I haven't run in to her now in about five or six years, and I hope she's doing well, but I'll bet that not much has changed because I've found that habitually unhappy people usually stay that way.
My philosphy: You're only as happy as you want to be.
Hang in there, things will get better if you want them to and you let them!

 

 

Damn, you guys are good. I pay a therapist to help me but reading these posts makes me wonder if some of you are in the wrong business. I will go back and reread and add a few words. Thanks so much for taking the time to really pour out some great advice. It sucks that I lost Debbie, but (as everyone advised me all along) you can't move on from your wife with another woman in the picture. Why you have to lose someone you love in certain cases to allow you to do what has to be done, is behond my comprehension, but I have more clarity in the last week than I've been able to obtain in the past 18 months. By the way, my kids are 26 ad 24 so thank goodness I'm not dealing with young children. I raised them well and they are on their own now, both doing well professionally and socially.

 

So what does GTG stand for. I'm not up on the lingo yet. Like, while I'm at it, what does ttt mean and what does bump mean ??? Can't wait to get out and take my shiny black Vette for a theraputic cruise....